ib.thewaspfactory-第15章
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For example； there has always been a part of me which has felt guilty about killing Blyth； Paul and Esmerelda。 That same part feels guilty now about taking revenge on innocent rabbits because of one rogue male。 But I liken it to an opposition party in a parliament； or a critical press； acting as a conscience and a brake； but not in power and unlikely to assume it。 Another part of me is racist； probably because I've hardly met any colored people and all I know of them is what I read in papers and see on television； where black people are usually talked of in terms of numbers and presumed guilty until proved innocent。 This part of me is still quite strong； though of course I know there is no logical reason for race hatred。 Whenever I see coloured people in Porteneil； buying souvenirs or stopping off for a snack； I hope that they will ask me something so that I can show how polite I am and prove that my reasoning is stronger than my more crass instincts； or training。
By the same token； though； there was no need to take revenge on the rabbits。 There never is； even in the big world。 I think reprisals against people only distantly or circumstantially connected with those who have done others wrong are to make the people doing the avenging feel good。 Like the death penalty； you want it because it makes you feel better； not because it's a deterrent or any nonsense like that。
At least the rabbits won't know that Frank Cauldhame did what he did to them； the way a munity of people knows what the baddies did to them； so that the revenge ends up having the opposite effect from that intended； inciting rather than squashing resistance。 At least I admit that it's all to boost my ego； restore my pride and give me pleasure； not to save the country or uphold justice or honour the dead。
So there were parts of me that watched the naming ceremony for the new catapult with some amusement； even contempt。 In that state inside my head； this is like intellectuals in a country sneering at religion while not being able to deny the effect it has on the mass of people。 In the ceremony I smeared the metal； rubber and plastic of the new device with earwax； snot； blood； urine； belly…button fluff and toenail cheese； christened it by firing the empty sling at a wingless wasp crawling on the face of the Factory ； and also fired it at my bared foot； raising a bruise。
Parts of me thought all this was nonsense； but they were in a tiny minority。 The rest of me knew this sort of thing worked。 It gave me power； it made me part of what I own and where I am。 It makes me feel good。
I found a photograph of Paul as a baby in one of the albums I kept in the loft； and after the ceremony I wrote the name of the new catapult on the back of the picture； scrunched it up around a steelie and secured it with a little tape； then went down； out of the loft and the house； into the chill drizzle of a new day。
I went to the cracked end of the old slipway at the north end of the island。 I pulled the rubber almost to maximum and sent the ball…bearing and photograph hissing and spinning way out to sea。 I didn't see the splash。
The catapult ought to be safe so long as nobody knew its name。 That didn't help the Black Destroyer； certainly； but it died because I made a mistake； and my power is so strong that when it goes wrong； which is seldom but not never； even those things I have invested with great protective power bee vulnerable。 Again； in that head…state； I could feel anger that I could have made such a mistake； and a determination it wouldn't happen again。 This was like a general who had lost a battle or some important territory being disciplined or shot。
Well； I had done what I could to protect the new catapult and； while I was sorry that what had happened at the Rabbit Grounds had cost me a trusted weapon with many battle honours to its name （not to mention a significant sum out of the Defence budget）； I thought that maybe what had happened had been for the best。 The part of me which made the mistake with the buck； letting it get the better of me for a moment； might still be around if that acid test hadn't found it out。 The inpetent or misguided general had been dismissed。 Eric's return might call for all my reactions and powers to be at their peak of efficiency。
It was still very early and； although the mist and drizzle should have had me feeling a little mellow； I was still in good and confident spirits from the naming ceremony。
I felt like a Run； so I left my jacket near the Pole I'd been at the day Diggs had e with the news； and tucked the catapult tightly between my cords and my belt。 I tugged my boots to running tension after checking my socks were straight and unruffled； then jogged slowly down to the line of hard sand between the seaweed tidelines。 The drizzle was ing and going and the sun was visible occasionally through the mist and cloud as a red and hazy disc。 There was a slight wind ing from the north； and I turned into it。 I powered up gradually； settling into an easy； long…paced stride that got my lungs working properly and readied my legs。 My arms； fists clenched； moved with a fluid rhythm； sending first one then the other shoulder forward。 I breathed deeply； padding over the sand。 I came to the braided reaches of the river where it swung out over the sands； and adjusted my steps so that I cleared all the channels easily and cleanly； a leap at a time。 Once over； I put my head down and increased speed。 My head and fists rammed the air； my feet flexed； flung； gripped and pushed。
The air whipped at me； little gusts of drizzle stinging slightly as I hit them。 My lungs exploded； imploded； exploded； imploded； plumes of wet sand flew from my soles； rising as I sped on； falling in little curves and spattering back as I raced on into the distance。 I brought my face up and put my head back； baring my neck to the wind like a lover； to the rain like an offering。 My breath rasped in my throat； and a slight light…headedness I had started to feel owing to hyperoxygenating earlier waned as my muscles took up the slack of the extra power in my blood。 I boosted； increasing speed as the jagged line of dead seaweed and old wood and cans and bottles skittered by me； I felt like a bead on a thread being pulled through the air on a line； sucked along by throat and lungs and legs； a continual pounce of flowing energy。 I kept the boost up as long as I could； then； when I felt it start to go； relaxed； and went back to merely running fast for a while。
I charged across the sands； the dunes to my left moving by like stands on a racetrack。 Ahead I could see the Bomb Circle； where I would stop or turn。 I boosted again； head down and shouting to myself inside； screaming mentally； my voice like a press； screwing down tighter to squeeze a final effort from my legs。 I flew across the sands； body tilted crazily forward； lungs bursting； legs pounding。
The moment passed and I slowed quickly； dropping to a trot as I approached the Bomb Circle； almost staggering into it； then flinging myself on to the sand inside to lie panting； heaving； gasping； staring at the grey sky and invisible drizzle； spreadeagled in the centre of the rocks。 My chest rose and fell； my heart pounded inside its cage。 A dull roaring filled my ears； and my whole body tingled and buzzed。 My leg muscles seemed to be in some daze of quivering tension。 I let my head fall to one side； my cheek against the cool damp sand。
I wondered what it felt like to die。
The Bomb Circle； my dad's leg and his stick； his reluctance to get me a motorbike perhaps； the candles in the skull； the legions of dead mice and hamsters…they're all the fault of Agnes； my father's second wife and my mother。
I can't remember my mother； because if I did I'd hate her。 As it is； I hate her name； the idea of her。 It was she who let the Stoves take Eric away to Belfast； away from the island； away from what he knew。 They thought that my father was a bad parent because he dressed Eric in girl's clothes and let him run wild； and my mother let them take him because she didn't like children in general and E
