annr.pandora-第51章
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〃Resignation will do you no good；〃 I said； 〃when such a time es。 Resignation requires will； and will requires decision； and decision requires belief； and belief requires that there is something to believe in！ And all action or acceptance requires a concept of a witness！ Well； there is nothing； and there are no witnesses！ You don't know that yet； but I do。 I hope； when you find it out； someone can fort you as you dress and groom those monstrous relics below the stairs！ As you bring their flowers！〃 I was so angry。 I went on：
〃Look back on me when this moment es … if not for forgiveness； look back on me as a model。 For I have seen this； and I have survived。 And it matters not that I stopped to listen to Paul preach of Christ； or that I weave flowers into crowns for the Queen； or that I dance like a fool under the moon in the garden before dawn； or that I。。。 that I love you。 It matters not。 Because there is nothing。 And no one to see。 No one！〃 I sighed。 It was time to finish。
〃Go back to your history； this stack of lies that tries to link event to event with cause and effect； this preposterous faith that postulates that one thing follows from another。 I tell you； it's not so。 But it is very Roman of you to think so。〃
He sat silent looking up at me。 I couldn't tell what his thoughts were or what his heart felt。 Then he asked：
〃What would you have me do？〃 He had never looked more innocent。
Bitterly； I laughed。 Did we not speak the same language？ He heard not one word I had uttered。 Yet he presented me not with a reply； but only with this simple question。
〃All right；〃 I said。 〃I'll tell you what I want。 Love me； Marius； love me； but leave me alone！〃 I cried out。 I had not even thought。 The words just came。 〃Leave me alone； so that I may seek my own forts； my own means to remain alive； no matter how foolish or pointless these forts appear to you。 Leave me alone！〃
He was wounded； so unprehending； looking so innocent still。
We had many similar arguments as the decades passed。
Sometimes he would e to me after； he would fall into long thoughtful talks about what he felt was happening with the Empire； how the Emperors were going mad and the Senate had no power； how the very progress of man was unique in Nature and something to be watched。 How he would crave life； he thought； until there was no more life。
〃Even if there is nothing left but desert waste；〃 he said； 〃I should want to be there； to see dune folding upon dune；〃 he went on。 〃If there was but one lamp left in all the world； I'd want to watch its flame。 And so would you。〃
But the terms of the battle； and its heat； never really changed。
At heart he thought I hated him for having been so unkind on the night I was given the Dark Blood。 I told him this was childish。 I could not convince him that my soul and my intelligence were infinitely too large for such a simple grudge； and that I owed him no explanation for my thoughts； words and deeds。
For two hundred years； we lived and loved together。 He became ever more beautiful to me。
As more and more barbarians from the North and from the East poured into the city； he felt no necessity to dress like a Roman anymore； and frequently wore the jeweled clothes of the Easterners。 His hair seemed to be growing finer； lighter。 He seldom cut it； which of course he would have had to do every night had he wanted it short。 It was a splendor on his shoulders。
As his face grew ever more smooth； away went the few lines that could so easily design anger in his expression。 As I've told you before； he greatly resembles Lestat。 Only he is more pact of build； and jaw and chin had hardened just a little more with age before the Dark Gift。 But the unwanted folds were receding from his eyes。
Sometimes for nights on end； in fear of a fight； we didn't speak。 There was between us always a continuous physical affection … embraces； kisses； sometimes the mere silent lock of our hands。
But we knew we had now lived far beyond a normal human life span。
You need from me no detailed history of that remarkable time。 It is too well known。 Only let me place here a few reminders。 Only let me describe for you my perspective on the changes happening all over the Empire。
Antioch as a thriving city proved indestructible。 The Emperors began to favor it and visit it。 More Temples went up to the Eastern cults。 And then Christians of all kinds poured into Antioch。
Indeed； the Christians of Antioch prised at last an immense and fascinating bunch of people arguing with each other。
Rome went to war on the Jews； crushing Jerusalem pletely and destroying the sacred Hebrew Temple。 Many brilliant Jewish thinkers came to Antioch as well as Alexandria。
Twice or perhaps even three times； Roman legions pushed past us； North of us； into Parthia； once we even had a little rebellion of our own； but Rome always resecured the city of Antioch。 So the market closed for a day！ On went the trade； the great lust of the caravans for the ships； and of the ships for the caravans； and Antioch was the bed in which they must wed each other。
There was little new poetry。 Satire。 Satire seemed the only safe or honest expression of the Roman mind now； and so we had the riotously funny story The Golden Ass； by Apuleius； which seemed to make fun of every religion。 But there was a bitterness to the poet Martial。 And those letters of Pliny which reached me were full of dire judgments on the moral chaos of Rome。
I began as a vampire to feed exclusively on soldiers。 I liked them； their look； their strength。 I fed so much so on them； that in my carelessness； I became a legend amongst them； 〃The Greek Lady Death；〃 this on account of my clothes which to them appeared archaic。 I struck at random in the dark streets。 There wasn't a chance of their ever surrounding me or stopping me； so great was my skill； my strength and my thirst。
But I saw things in their rebellious deaths； the blaze of a pitched battle in a march； a hand…to…hand struggle on a steep mountain。 I took them down gently into the finish； filling myself to the brim with their blood； and sometimes； through a veil it seemed； I saw the souls of those whom they themselves had slain。
When I told Marius this； he said it was just the kind of mystical nonsense he would expect of me。
I didn't press the point。
He watched with keen interest the developments of Rome。 To me they seemed merely surprising。
He pored over the histories of Dio Cassius and Plutarch and Tacitus； and pounded his fist when he heard of the endless skirmishes on the Rhine River； and the push Northward into Britannia and the building of Hadrian's wall to forever keep away the Scots； who like the Germans would yield to no one。
〃They are not patrolling； preserving； containing an Empire any longer；〃 he said。 〃Conserving a way of life！ It's just war； and trade！〃
I couldn't disagree。
It was really even worse than he knew。 If he had gone as often as I did to listen to the philosophers he would have been appalled。
Magicians were appearing everywhere； claiming to be able to fly； to see visions； to heal with the laying on of hands！ They got into battles with the Christians and the Jews。 I don't think the Roman army paid them any attention。
Medicine as I had known it in my mortal life had been flooded with a river of Eastern secret formulae； amulets； rituals； and little statues to clutch。
Well over half the Senate was no longer Italian by birth。 This meant that our Rome was no longer our Rome。 And the title of Emperor had bee a joke。 There were so many assassinations； plots； squabbles； false emperors and palace coups that it soon became perfectly clear that the Army ruled。 The Army chose the Emperor。 The Army sustained him。
The Christians were divided into warring sects。 It was positively astonishing。 The religion didn't burn itself out in dispute。 It gained strength in division。 Occasional furious persecutions … in which people were executed for not worshiping at Roman altars … only seemed to deepen the sympathy of the populace with this new cult。
And the new cult was rampant with debate on every principle with regard to the Jews； God and Jesus。
The most amazing thing had happened to this religion。 Spreading
