annr.pandora-第50章
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madness。
Why； I demanded； must his domination extend to every corner of our entire house and garden？ And how was it that I was his match in strength when an old burnt blood drinker found his way to Antioch and we picked up the word of his killing and had to do away with him？
〃We are not matched in minds？〃 I demanded。
〃Only you could ask that question！〃 came his reply。
Of course the Mother and Father never moved or spoke again。 No blood dreams； no divine directive ever reached me。 Only now and then did Marius remind me of this。 And after a long while； he allowed me to tend the Shrine with him； to see full well the extent of their silent and seemingly mindless pliance。 They appeared utterly beyond reach； their cooperation was sluggish and frightening to witness。
When Flavius fell ill in his fortieth year； Marius and I had the first of our truly terrible battles。 This came early on； well before the earthquake。
It was； by the way； a wondrous time because the wicked old Tiberius was filling Antioch with new and wonderful buildings。 She was the rival of Rome。 But Flavius was ill。
Marius could scarce bear it。 He had bee more than fond of Flavius … they talked about Aristotle all the time； and Flavius proved one of those men who can do anything for you； from managing a household to copying the most esoteric and crumbling text with plete accuracy。
Flavius had never put a single question to us as to what we were。 In his mind； I found； devotion and acceptance far superseded curiosity or fear。
We hoped Flavius had only a minor illness。 But finally； as Flavius's fever grew worse； Flavius turned his head away from Marius whenever Marius came to him。 But he held on to my hand always when I offered it。 Frequently I lay beside him for hours； as he had once lain beside me。
Then one night Marius took me to the gate and said； 〃He'll be dead by the time I e back。 Can you bear this alone？〃
〃Do you run from it？〃 I asked。
〃No；〃 he said。 〃But he doesn't want me to see him die； he doesn't want me to see him groan in pain。〃
I nodded。
Marius left。
Marius had long ago laid down the rule that no other blood drinker was ever to be made。 I didn't bother to question him on this。
As soon as he was gone； I made Flavius into a vampire。 I did it just the way the burnt one； Marius and Akasha had done it to me； for Marius and I had long discussed the methods … withdraw as much blood as you can； then give it back until you are near to fainting。
I did faint and wake to see this splendid Greek standing over me； smiling faintly； all disease gone from him。 He reached down to take my hand and help me to my feet。
Marius walked in； stared at the reborn Flavius in amazement and said； 〃Get out； out of this house； out of this city； out of this province； out of this Empire。〃
Flavius's last words to me were：
〃Thank you for this Dark Gift。〃 That is the first I ever heard that particular phrase； which appears so often in Lestat's writings。 How well this learned Athenian understood it。
For hours I avoided Marius。 I would never be forgiven！ Then I went out into the garden。 I discovered Marius was grieving； and when he looked up； I realized that he had been utterly convinced that I meant to go off with Flavius。 When I saw this； I took him in my arms。 He was full of quiet relief and love； he forgave me at once for my 〃absolute rashness。〃
〃Don't you see；〃 I said； taking him in hand； 〃that I adore you？ But you cannot rule over me！ Can you not consider in your reasonable fashion that the greatest part of our gift eludes you … it's the freedom from the confines of male； female！〃
〃You can't convince me；〃 he said； 〃for one moment that you don't feel； reason and act in the manner of a woman。 We both loved Flavius。 But why another blood drinker？〃
〃I don't know except that Flavius wanted it； Flavius knew all about our secrets； there was a。。。 an understanding between me and Flavius！ He had been loyal in the darkest hours of my mortal life。 Oh； I can't explain it。〃
〃A woman s sentiments； exactly。 And you have launched this creature into eternity。〃
〃He joins our search；〃 I replied。
About the middle of the century； when the city was very rich and the Empire was about as peaceful as it was ever going to be for the next two hundred years； the Christian Paul came to Antioch。
I went to hear him speak one night and came home； saying casually that the man could convert the very stones to this faith； such was his personal power。
〃How can you spend your time on such things！〃 Marius demanded。 〃Christians。 They aren't even a cult！ Some worship John； some worship Jesus。 They fight amongst one another！ Don't you see what this man Paul has done？〃
〃No； what？〃 I said。 〃I didn't say I was going to join the sect。 I only said I stopped to hear him。 Who is hurt by that？〃
〃You； your mind； your equilibrium； your mon sense。 It's promised by the foolish things in which you take an interest； and frankly the principle of truth is hurt！〃 He had only just begun。
〃Let me tell you about this man Paul；〃 Marius said。 〃He never knew either the Baptizer John or the Galilean Jesus； The Hebrews have thrown him out of the group。 Jesus and John were both Hebrews！ And so Paul has now turned to everyone。 Jew and Christian alike； and Roman and Greek； and said； 'You needn't follow the Hebrew observance。 Forget the Feasts in Jerusalem。 Forget Circumcision。 Bee a Christian。' 〃
〃Yes； that is true；〃 I said with a sigh。
〃It's a very easy religion to take up；〃 he said。 〃It's nothing。 You have to believe that this man rose from the Dead。 And by the way； I've bed the available texts which are floating all over the marketplaces。 Have you？〃
〃No。 I'm surprised you've found this search worthy of your time。〃
〃I don't see anywhere in the writings of those who knew John and Jesus where these two are quoted as saying either one of them will rise from the Dead； or that all who believe in them will have life after death。 Paul added all that。 What an enticing promise！ And you should hear your friend； Paul； on the subject of Hell！ What a cruel vision … that flawed mortals could sin in this life so grievously that they would burn for all eternity。〃
〃He's not my friend。 You make so much of my passing remarks。 Why do you feel so strongly？〃
〃I told you； I care about what is true； what is reasonable！〃
〃Well； there's something you're missing about this group of Christians； some way in which when they e together they share a euphoric love and they believe in great generosity …〃
〃Oh； not again！ And are you to tell me this is good'？〃
I didn't answer。
He was returning to his work when I spoke。
〃You fear me；〃 I said to him。 〃You fear that I'll be swept off my feet by somebody of belief and abandon you。 No。 No； that's not right。 You fear that you will be swept up。 That the world will somehow entice you back into it； so that you won't live here with me； the superior Roman observer recluse； anymore； but go back； seeking mortal forts of panionship and proximity to others； friendship with mortals； their recognition of you as one of them when you are not one of them！〃
〃Pandora； you talk gibberish。〃
〃Keep your proud secrets；〃 I said。 〃But I do fear for you； that I will admit。〃
〃Fear for me？ And why？〃 he demanded。
〃Because you don't realize everything perishes； everything is artifice！ That even logic and mathematics and justice have no ultimate meaning！〃
〃That's not true；〃 he said。
〃Oh； yes it is。 Some night will e when you will see what I saw； when I first came to Antioch； before you'd found me； before this transformation which should have swept away everything in its path。
〃You will see a darkness；〃 I went on； 〃a darkness so total that Nature never knows it anywhere on Earth at any time； in any place！ Only the human soul can know it。 And it goes on forever。 And I pray that when you finally can no longer escape from it； when you realize it is all around you； that your logic and your reason give you some strength against it。〃
He gave me the most respectful look。 But he didn't speak。 I continued：
〃Resignation will do you no good；〃 I said； 〃when such a time es。 Resignation requires will； and will requires decision； and decision req
