cb.damnationgame-第34章
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ing and rising between the trees； courtship voices on every other branch。 They walked for several minutes； following no particular path； without Whitehead so much as looking up from his boots。 Out of sight of the house and his disciples； he wore。 the burden of siege more nakedly。 Head bowed； he trudged between the trees； indifferent to birdsong and leaf…burst alike。
Marty was enjoying himself。 Whenever he'd crossed this territory before it had been at a run。 Now his pace was forcibly slowed； and details of the woods became apparent。 The confusion of flowers underfoot； the fungi sprouting in the damp places between the roots： all delighted him。 He picked up a selection of pebbles as he went。 One bore the fossilized imprint of a fern。 He thought of Carys and of the dovecote； and an unexpected longing for her lapped at the edges of his consciousness。 Having no reason to prevent its access； he let it e。
Once admitted； the weight of his feeling for her shocked him。 He felt conspired against； as though in the last few days his emotions had worked in some secret place in him； transforming mild interest in Carys into something deeper。 He had little chance to sort the phenomena out； however。 When he glanced up from the stone fern Whitehead had got a good way ahead of him。 Putting thoughts of Carys aside； he picked up his pace。 Passages of sun and shadow moved through the trees as the light clouds that had sat on the wind earlier gave way to heavier formations。 The wind had begun to chill； there was an occasional speckle of rain in it。
Whitehead had pulled his collar up。 His hands were plunged into his pockets。 When Marty reached him； he was greeted with a question。
〃Do you believe in God； Martin？〃 The inquiry came out of nowhere。 Unprepared for it； Marty could only answer； 〃I don't know；〃 which was； as answers to that question went； honest enough。
But Whitehead wanted more。 His eyes glittered。
〃I don't pray； if that's what you mean；〃 Marty offered。
〃Not even before your trial？ A quick word with the Almighty？〃 There was no humor； malicious or otherwise； in this interrogation。 Again； Marty answered as honestly as he could。
〃I don't remember； exactly 。 。 。 I suppose I must have said something； then； yes。〃 He paused Above them； the clouds passed over the sun。 〃Much good it did me。〃 〃And； in prison？〃 〃No； I never prayed。〃 He was sure of that。 〃Never once。〃 〃But there were God…fearing men in Wandsworth； surely？〃 Marty remembered Heseltine； with whom he'd shared a cell for a few weeks at the beginning of his stretch。 An old hand at prison； Tiny had spent more years behind bars than out。 Every night he'd murmur a bastardized version of the Lord's Prayer into his pillow before he went to sleep…〃Our Father； who are in Heaven； hello be thy name〃…not understanding the words or their significance； simply saying the prayer by rote； as he had every night of his life； most probably； until the sense was corrupted beyond salvation… 〃thine by the King Dome； thine by the Glory； fever and fever； Amen。〃 Was that what Whitehead meant？ Was there respect for a Maker； thanks for Creation； or even some anticipation of Judgment in Heseltine's prayer？
〃No；〃 was Marty's reply。 〃Not really God…fearing。 I mean； what's the use。。。？〃 There was more where that thought came from； and Whitehead waited for it with a vulture's patience。 But the words sat on Marty's tongue； refusing to be spoken。 The old man prompted them。
〃Why no use； Marty？〃 〃Because it's all down to accident； isn't it？ I mean； everything's chance。〃 Whitehead nodded； almost imperceptibly。 There was a long silence between them； until the old man said： 〃Do you know why I chose you； Martin？〃 〃Not really。〃 〃Toy never said anything to you？〃 〃He told me he thought I could do the job。〃 〃Well； a lot of people advised against me taking you。 They thought you were unsuitable； for a number of reasons we needn't go into。 Even Toy wasn't certain。 He liked you； but he wasn't certain。〃 〃But you employed me anyway？〃 〃Indeed we did。〃 Marty was beginning to find the cat…and…mouse game insufferable。 He said： 〃Now you're going to tell me why； right？〃 〃You're a gambler；〃 Whitehead replied。 Marty felt he'd known the answer long before it was spoken。 〃You wouldn't have been in trouble at all； if you hadn't been obliged to pay off large gaming debts。 Am I right？〃 〃More or less。〃 〃You spent every penny you earned。 Or so your friends testified at the trial。 Frittered it away。〃 〃Not always。 I had some big wins。 Really big wins。〃 The look Whitehead gave Marty was scalpel…sharp。
〃After all you've been through…all your disease has made you suffer…you still talk about your big wins。〃 〃I remember the best times； like anyone would；〃 Marty replied defensively。
〃Flukes。 〃 〃No！ I was good； damn it。〃 〃Flukes； Martin。 You said so yourself a moment ago。 You said it was all chance。 How can you be good at anything that's accidental？ That doesn't make sense； does it？〃 The man was right； at least superficially。 But it wasn't as simple as he made it out to be； was it？ It was all chance； he couldn't argue with that basic condition。 But a sliver of Marty believed something else。 What it was he believed； he couldn't describe。
〃Isn't that what you said？〃 Whitehead pressed。 〃That it was accident。〃 〃It's not always like that。〃 〃Some of us have chance on our side。 Is that what you're saying？ Some of us have our fingers〃…Whitehead's forefinger described a spinning circle〃…on the wheel。〃 The circling finger stopped。 In his mind's eye； Marty pleted the image： the ball jumped from hole to hole and found a niche； a number。 Some winner yelped his triumph。
〃Not always；〃 he said。 〃Just sometimes。〃 〃Describe it。 Describe how it feels。〃 Why not？ Where was the harm？
〃Sometimes it was just easy； you know； like taking sweets from a baby。 I'd go to a club and the chips would tingle； and I'd know； Jesus I'd know； I couldn't fail to win。〃 Whitehead smiled。
〃But you did fail；〃 he reminded Marty； with courteous brutality。 〃You often failed。 You failed till you owed everything you had； and more besides。〃 〃I was stupid。 I played even when the chips didn't tingle； when I knew I was on a losing streak。〃 〃Why？〃 Marty glowered。
〃What do you want； a signed confession？〃 he snapped。 〃I was greedy； what do you think？ And I loved playing； even when I didn't have a chance of winning。 I still wanted to play。〃 〃For the game's sake。〃 〃I suppose so。 Yes。 For the game。〃 A look； impossibly plex； crossed Whitehead's face。 There was regret in it； and a terrible； aching loss； and more： inprehension。 Whitehead the master； Whitehead the lord of all he surveyed； suddenly showed…all too briefly…another； more accessible； face： that of a man confused to the point of despair。
〃I wanted someone with your weaknesses；〃 he explained now； and suddenly he was the one doing the confessing。 〃Because sooner or later I believed a day like today would e； and I'd have to ask you to take a risk with me。〃 〃What sort of risk？〃 〃Nothing so simple as a wheel； or a game of cards。 I wish it were。 Then maybe I could explain to you； instead of asking for an act of faith。 But it's so plicated。 And I'm tired。〃 〃Bill said something…〃 Whitehead broke in。
〃Toy's left the estate。 You won't be seeing him again。〃 〃When did he go？〃 〃Earlier in the week。 Relations between us have been deteriorating for a while。〃 He caught Marty's dismay。 〃Don't fret about it。 Your position here is as secure as it ever was。 But you must trust me absolutely。〃 〃Sir…〃 〃No affirmations of loyalty； they're wasted on me。 Not because I don't believe you're sincere。 But I'm surrounded by people who tell me whatever they think I want to hear。 That's how they keep their wives in furs and their sons in cocaine。〃 His gloved fingers clawed at his bearded cheek as he spoke。 〃So few honest people。 Toy was one。 Evangeline； my wife； was another。 But so very few。 I just have to trust to instinct； I have to blot out all the talk and follow what my head tells me。 And it trusts you； Martin。〃 Marty said nothing； just listened as Whitehead's voice became quieter； his eyes so intense now a glance from them might have ignited tinder。
〃If you stay with me…if you keep me safe…there's not
