cb.damnationgame-第20章
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There was a time when he'd been a fox： thin and sharp； a night wanderer。 But things had changed。 Providence had been bountiful； dreams had e true； and the fox； always a shape…changer； had grown fat and easy。 The world had changed too： it had bee a geography of profit and loss。 Distances had shrunk to the length of his mand。 He had forgotten； with time； his previous life。
But of late he remembered it more and more。 It came back in brilliant but reproachful detail； when the events of the day before were a fog。 But he knew in his heart of hearts there was no way back to that blessed state。
And forward from here？ That was a journey into a hopeless place； where no signpost would point him right or left…all directions being equal there…nor would there be hill or tree or habitation to mark the way。 Such a place。 Such a terrible place。
But he wouldn't be alone there。 In that nowhere he would have a panion。
And when； in the fullness of time； he set his eyes on that land and its tenant he would wish； oh Christ how he would wish； that he had stayed a fox。
III The Last European
18
Anthony Breer； the Razor…Eater； returned to his tiny flat in the late afternoon； made himself instant coffee in his favorite cup； then sat at the table in the failing light and started to tie himself a noose。 He'd known from early morning that today was the day。 No need to go down to the library； if； in time； they noticed his absence and wrote to him demanding to know where he was； he wouldn't be answering。 Besides； the sky had looked as grubby as his sheets at dawn； and being a rational man he'd thought： why bother to wash the sheets when the world's so dirty； and I'm so dirty； and there's no chance of ever getting any of it clean？ The best thing is to put an end to this squalid existence once and for all。
He'd seen hanged people aplenty。 Only photographs； of course； in a book he'd stolen from work about war crimes； marked 〃Not for the open shelves。 To be issued only on request。〃 The warning had really got his imagination working： here was a book people weren't really meant to see。 He'd slipped it into his bag unopened； knowing from the very title…Soviet Documents on Nazi Atrocities…that this was a volume almost as sweet in the anticipation as in the reading。 But in that he'd been wrong。 Mouthwatering as that day had been； knowing that his bag contained this taboo treasure that delight was nothing pared to the revelations of the book itself。 There were pictures of the burned…out ruins of Chekhov's cottage in Istra and others of the desecration of the Tchaikovsky residence。 But mostly…and more importantly…there were photographs of the dead。 Some of them heaped in piles； others lying in bloody snow； frozen solid。 Children with their skulls broken open； people lying in trenches； shot in the face； others with swastikas carved into their chests and buttocks。 But to the Razor…Eater's greedy eyes； the best photographs were of people being hanged。 There was one Breer looked at very often。 It pictured a handsome young man being strung up from a makeshift gallows。 The photographer had caught him in his last moments； staring directly at the camera； a wan and beatific smile on his face。
That was the look Breer wanted them to find on his face when they broke down the door of this very room and found him suspended up here； pirouetting in the breeze from the hallway。 He thought about how they would stare at him； coo at him； shake their heads in wonder at his pale white feet and his courage in doing this tremendous thing。 And while he thought； he knotted and unknotted the noose； determined to make as professional a job of it as he possibly could。
His only anxiety was the confession。 Despite his working with books day in； day out； words weren't his strongest point： they slipped away for him； like beauty from his fat hands。 But he wanted to say something about the children； just so they'd know； the people who found him and photographed him； that this wasn't a nobody they were staring at； but a man who'd done the worst things in the world for the best possible reasons。 That was vital： that they knew who he was； because maybe in time they'd make sense of him in a way that he'd never been able to。
They had methods of interrogation； he knew； even with dead people。 They'd lay him in an ice room and examine him minutely； and when they'd studied him from the outside they'd start looking at his inside； and oh！ what things they'd find。 They'd saw off the top of his skull and take out his brain； examine it for tumors； slice it thinly like expensive ham； probe at it in a hundred ways to find out the why and how of him。 But that wouldn't work； would it？ He； of all people； should know that。 You cut up a thing that's alive and beautiful to find out how it's alive and why it's beautiful and before you know it； it's neither of those things； and you're standing there with blood on your face and tears in your sight and only the terrible ache of guilt to show for it。 No； they'd get nothing from his brain； they'd have to look further than that。 They'd have to unzip him from neck to pubis； snip his ribs and fold them back： Only then could they unravel his guts； and rummage in his stomach； and juggle his liver and lights。 There； oh yes； there； they'd find plenty to feast their eyes on。
Maybe that was the best confession then； he mused as he retied the noose one final time。 No use to try to find the right words； because what were words anyway？ Trash； useless for the hot heart of things。 No； they'd find all they needed to know if they just looked inside him。 Find the story of the lost children； find the glory of his martyrdom。 And they'd know； once and for all； that he was of the Tribe of the Razor…Eaters。
He finished the noose； made himself a second cup of coffee； and started work on getting the rope secure。 First he removed the lamp that hung from the middle of the ceiling； then he tied the noose up there in its place。 It was strong。 He swung from it for a few moments to make certain of it； and though the beams grunted a little； and there was a patter of plaster on his head； it bore his weight。
By now it was early evening； and he was tired； the fatigue making him more clumsy than usual。 He shunted around the room tidying it up； his pig…fat body wracked with sighs as he bundled up the stained sheets and tucked them out of sight； rinsed his coffee cup； and carefully poured away the milk so that it wouldn't curdle before they came。 He turned on the radio as he worked； it would help to cover the sound of the chair being kicked over when the time came： there were others in the house and he didn't want any last…minute reprieve。 The usual banalities from the radio station filled the room： songs of love and loss and love found again。 Vicious and painful lies； all of them。
There was little strength left in the day once he'd finished preparing the room。 He heard feet in the hallway and doors being opened elsewhere in the house as the occupants of the other rooms came home from work。 They； like him； lived alone。 He knew none of them by name； none of them； seeing him taken out escorted by police； would know his。
He undressed pletely and washed himself at the sink； his testicles small as walnuts； tight to his body； his belly flab…the fat of his breasts and upper arms…quivering as the cold convulsed him。 Once satisfied with his cleanliness； he sat on the mattress edge and cut his toenails。 Then he dressed in freshly laundered clothes： the blue shirt； the gray trousers。 He wore no shoes or socks。 Of the physique that shamed him； his feet were his only pride。
It was almost dark by the time he finished； and the night was black and rainy。 Time to go； he thought。
He positioned the chair carefully； stepped up onto it； and reached for the rope。 The noose was if anything； an inch or two too high； and he had to go on tiptoe to fit it snugly around his neck； but he fitted it securely with a little maneuvering。 Once he had the knot pulled tight against his skin he said his prayers and kicked the chair over。
Panic began immediately； and his hands； which he'd always trusted； betrayed him at this vital juncture； springing up f
