dk.coldfire-第47章

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logize　to　him　for　what　he'd　been　through。　But　fate　isn't　a　sleazeball　in　a　cheap　suit；　you　can't　put　the　arm　on　fate　and　make　it　say　it's　sorry；　all　you　can　do　is　stew　in　your　anger。〃　
　Her　voice　was　not　rising；　but　it　was　increasingly　intense。　She　paced　faster；　more　agitatedly。　She　was　getting　passionate　instead　of　angry；　which　was　even　more　certain　to　reveal　the　degree　of　her　desperation。　But　she　couldn't　stop　herself：　〃Just　stew　in　anger。　
　Unless　you're　Jim　Ironheart。　You　can　do　something　about　it；　make　a　difference　in　a　way　nobody　ever　made　a　difference　before。　
　And　now　that　I　know　about　you；　I　can't　just　get　on　with　my　life；　can't　just　shrug　my　shoulders　and　walk　away；　because　you've　given　me　a　chance　to　find　a　strength　in　myself　I　didn't　know　I　had；　you've　given　me　hope　when　I　didn't　even　realize　I　was　longing　for　it；　you've　shown　me　a　way　to　satisfy　a　need　that；　until　yesterday；　I　didn't　even　know　I　had；　a　need　to　fight　back；　to　spit　in　Death's　face。　Damn　it；　you　can't　just　close　the　door　now　and　let　me　standing　out　in　the　cold！〃　He　stared　at　her。　
　Congratulations；　Thorne；　she　told　herself　scornfully。　You　were　a　monument　to　posure　and　restraint；　a　towering　example　of　self　control。　
　He　just　stared　at　her。　
　She　had　met　his　cool　demeanor　with　heat；　had　answered　his　highly　effective　silences　with　an　ever　greater　cascade　of　words。　One　chance；　that　was　all　she'd　had；　and　she'd　blown　it。　
　Miserable；　suddenly　drained　of　energy　instead　of　overflowing　with　it；　she　sat　down　again。　She　propped　her　elbows　on　the　table　and　put　her　face　in　her　hands；　not　sure　if　she　was　going　to　cry　or　scream。　She　didn't　do　either。　
　She　just　sighed　wearily。　
　〃Want　a　beer？〃　he　asked。　
　〃God；　yes。〃　
　Like　a　brush　of　flame；　the　westering　sun　slanted　through　the　tilted　plantation　shutters　on　the　breakfast…nook　window；　slathering　bands　of　coppergold　fire　on　the　ceiling。　Holly　slumped　in　her　chair；　and　Jim　leaned　forward　in　his。　She　stared　at　him　while　he　stared　at　his　half　finished　bottle　of　Corona。　
　〃Like　I　told　you　on　the　plane；　I'm　not　a　psychic；〃　he　insisted。　〃I　can't　foresee　things　just　because　I　want　to。　I　don't　have　visions。　It's　a　higher　power　working　through　me。〃　
　〃You　want　to　define　that　a　little？〃　He　shrugged。　〃God。〃　
　〃God's　talking　to　you？〃　〃Not　talking。　I　don't　hear　voices；　His　or　anybody　else's。　Now　and　then　I'm　pelled　to　be　in　a　certain　place　at　a　certain　time。　。　。〃　
　As　best　he　could；　he　tried　to　explain　how　he　had　ended　up　at　the　McAlbery　School　in　Portland　and　at　the　sites　of　the　other　miraculous　rescues　he　had　performed。　He　also　told　her　about　Father　Geary　finding　him　on　the　floor　of　the　church；　by　the　sanctuary　railing；　with　the　stigmata　of　Christ　marking　his　brow；　hands；　and　side。　
　It　was　off　the…wall　stuff；　a　weird　brand　of　mysticism　that　might　have　been　concocted　by　an　heretical　Catholic　and　peyote…inspired　Indian　medicine　man　in　association　with　a　no…nonsense；　Clint　Eastwood…style　cop。　
　Holly　was　fascinated。　But　she　said；　〃I　can't　honestly　tell　you　I　see　God's　big　hand　in　this。〃　
　〃I　do；〃　he　said　quietly；　making　it　clear　that　his　conviction　was　solid　and　in　no　need　of　her　approval。　
　Nevertheless　she　said；　〃Sometimes　you've　had　to　be　pretty　damned　violent；　like　with　those　guys　who　kidnapped　Susie　and　her　mother　in　the　desert。〃　
　〃They　got　what　they　deserved；〃　he　said　flatly。　〃There's　too　much　darkness　in　some　people；　corruption　that　could　never　be　cleaned　out　in　five　lifetimes　of　rehabilitation。　Evil　is　real；　it　walks　the　earth。　
　Sometimes　the　devil　works　by　persuasion。　Sometimes　he　just　sets　loose　these　sociopaths　who　don't　have　a　gene　for　empathy　or　one　for　passion。〃　
　〃I'm　not　saying　you　didn't　have　to　be　violent　in　some　of　these　situations。　
　Far　as　I　can　see；　you　had　no　choice。　I　just　meant…it's　hard　to　see　God　encouraging　his　messenger　to　pick　up　a　shotgun。〃　
　He　drank　some　beer。　〃You　ever　read　the　Bible？〃　〃Sure。〃　
　〃Says　in　there　that　God　wiped　out　the　evil　people　in　Sodom　and　Gomora　rah　with　volcanoes；　earthquakes；　rains　of　fire。　
　Flooded　the　whole　world　once；　didn't　He？　Made　the　Red　Sea　wash　over　the　pharaoh's　soldiers；　drowned　them　all。　I　don't　think　He's　going　to　be　skittish　about　a　little　old　shotgun。〃　
　〃I　guess　I　was　thinking　about　the　God　of　the　New　Testament。　Maybe　you　heard　about　Him…understanding；　passionate；　merciful。〃　
　He　fixed　her　with　those　eyes　again；　which　could　be　so　appealing　that　they　made　her　knees　weak　or　so　cold　they　made　her　shiver。　A　moment　ago　they　had　been　warm；　now　they　were　icy。　If　she'd　had　any　doubt；　she　knew　from　his　frigid　response　that　he　had　not　yet　decided　to　wele　her　into　his　life。　〃I've　met　up　with　some　people　who're　such　walking　scum；　it'd　be　an　insult　to　animals　to　call　them　animals。　If　I　thought　God　always　dealt　mercifully　with　their　kind；　I　wouldn't　want　anything　to　do　with　God。〃　
　Holly　stood　at　the　kitchen　sink；　cleaning　mushrooms　and　slicing　tomatoes；　while　Jim　separated　egg　whites　from　yolks　to　make　a　pair　of　paratively　low…calorie　omelettes。　
　〃All　the　time；　people　are　dying　conveniently；　right　in　your　own　backyard。　But　often　you　go　clear　across　the　country　to　save　them。〃　
　〃Once　to　France；〃　he　said；　confirming　her　suspicion　that　he　had　ventured　out　of　the　country　on　his　missions。　〃Once　to　Germany；　twice　to　Japan；　once　to　England。〃　
　〃Why　doesn't　this　higher　power　give　you　only　local　work？〃　〃I　don't　know。〃　
　〃Have　you　ever　wondered　what's　so　special　about　the　people　you　save？　I　mean…why　them　and　not　others？〃　〃Yeah。　I've　wondered　about　it。　I　see　stories　on　the　news　every　week　about　innocent　people　being　murdered　or　dying　in　accidents　right　here　in　southern　California；　and　I　wonder　why　He　didn't　choose　to　save　them　instead　of　some　boy　in　Boston。　I　just　figure　the　boy　in　Boston…the　devil　was　conspiring　to　take　him　before　his　time；　and　God　used　me　to　prevent　that。〃　
　〃So　many　of　them　are　young。〃　
　〃I've　noticed　that。〃　
　〃But　you　don't　know　why？〃　〃Not　a　clue。〃　
　The　kitchen　was　redolent　of　cooking　eggs；　onions；　mushrooms；　and　green　peppers。　Jim　made　one　big　omelette　in　a　single　pan；　planning　to　cut　it　in　half　when　it　was　done。　
　While　Holly　monitored　the　progress　of　the　whole…wheat　bread　in　the　toaster；　she　said；　〃Why　would　God　want　you　to　save　Susie　and　her　mother　out　there　in　the　desert…but　not　the　girl's　father？〃　〃I　don't　know。〃　
　〃The　father　wasn't　a　bad　man；　was　he？〃　〃No。　Didn't　seem　to　be。〃　
　〃So　why　not　save　them　all？〃　〃If　He　wants　me　to　know；　He'll　tell　me。〃　
　Jim's　certainty　about　being　in　God's　good　grace　and　under　His　guidance；　and　his　easy　acceptance　that　God　wanted　some　people　to　die　and　not　others；　made　Holly　uneasy。　
　On　the　other　hand；　how　could　he　react　to　his　extraordinary　experience　in　any　other　way？　No　point　in　arguing　with　God。　
　She　recalled　an　old　saying；　a　real　chestnut　that　had　bee　a　cliche　in　the　hands　of　the　pop　psych　crowd：　God　grant　me　the　courage　to　change　those　things　I　can't　accept；　to　accept　those　things　I　can't　change；　and　the　wisdom　to　know　the　difference。　Cliche　or　not；　that　was　an　eminently　sane　attitude。　
　When　the　two　pieces　of　bread　popped　up；　she　plucked　them　from　the　toaster。　As　she　toasted　two　more；　she　said；　〃If　God　wanted　to　save　Nicholas　O'Conner　from　being　fried　when　that　power…pany　vault　went　up；　why　didn't　He　just　prevent　it　from　exploding　in　the　first　place？〃　〃I　don't　know。〃　
　〃Doesn't　it　seem　odd　to　you　that　God　has　to　use　you；　run　you　clear　across　the　country；　throw　you　at　the　O'Conner　boy　an　instant　before　that　17；000…volt　line　blows　up？　Why　couldn't　He　just。　。　。　oh；　I　don't　know。　
　。　。　just　spit　on　the　cable　or　something；　fix　it　up　with　a　little　divine　saliva　before　it　went　blooey？　Or　instead　of　sending　you　all　the　way　to　Atlanta　to　kill　Norman　Rink　in　that　convenience　store；　why　didn't　God　just　tweak　Norman's　brain　a　little；　give　him　a　timely　stroke？〃　Jim　artfully　tilted　the　pan　to　turn　over　the　omelette。　〃Why　did　He　make　mice　to　torment　people　and　cats　to　kill　the　mice？　Why　did　He　create　aphids　that　kill　plants；　then　ladybugs　to　eat　the　aphids？　And　why　didn't　He　give　us　eyes　in　the　back　of　our　head…when　He　gave　us　so　many　reasons　to　need　them　there？〃　She　finished　lightly　buttering　the　first　two　slices　of　toast。　〃I　see　what　you're　s