cw.imarriedadeadman-第37章

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　〃Every　time　you　call　me　that；　it's　a　lie。　I　can't　go　back　to　that　house　with　you。　I　can't　go　in　there　ever　again。　It's　too　late　now…　two　years　too　late；　two　years…but　at　least　let　me　tell　it　to　you。　Oh　God；　let　me　get　it　out！　Patrice　Hazzard　was　killed　on　the　train；　right　along　with　your　brother。　I　was　deserted　by　a　man　named…〃
　Again　he　placed　his　hand　over　her　mouth；　as　he　had　at　Georgesson's　place。　But　more　gently　than　he　had　then。
　〃I　don't　want　to　know；〃　he　told　her。　〃I　don't　want　to　hear。　Can't　you　understand；　Patrice？〃　Then　took　his　hand　away；　but　now　she　was　silent；　for　that　was　the　way　he　wanted　her　to　be。　And　that　was　the　easier　way　to　be。　〃Won't　you　understand　howl　feel？〃　He　glanced　about　for　an　instant；　this　way　and　that；　as　if　helplessly　in　search　of　some　means　of　convincing　her。　Some　means　that　wasn't　there　at　hand。　Then　back　to　her　again；　to　try　once　more；　speaking　low　and　from　the　heart。
　〃What　difference　does　it　make　if　there　once　was　another　Patrice；　another　Patrice　than　you；　a　girl　I　never　knew；　some　other　place　and　some　other　time？　Suppose　there　were　two？　There　are　a　thousand　Marys；　a　thousand　Janes；　but　each　man　that　loves　Mary；　he　loves　only　his　Mary；　and　for　him　there　are　no　others　in　the　whole　wide　world。　And　that's　with　me　too。　A　girl　named　Patrice　came　into　my　life　one　day。　And　that's　the　only　Patrice　there　is　for　me　in　the　world。　I　don't　love　the　name；　I　love　the　girl。　What　kind　of　love　do　you　think　I　have；　anyway？　That　if　she　got　the　name　from　a　clergyman；　it's　on；　but　if　she　helped　herself　to　it；　it's　off？〃
　〃But　she　stole　the　name；　took　it　away　from　the　dead。　And　she　lay　in　someone　else's　arms　first；　and　then　came　into　your　house　with　her　child…〃
　〃No；　she　didn't；　no；〃　he　contradicted　her　with　tender　stubbornness。　〃You　still　don't　see；　you　still　won't　see；　because　you're　not　the　man　who　loves　you。　She　couldn't　have；　because　she　wasn't；　until　I　met　her。　She　only　began　then；　she　only　starts　from　then。　She　only　came　into　existence；　as　my　eyes　first　took　her　in；　as　my　love　first　started　in　to　start。　Before　then　there　wasn't　any　she。　My　love　began　her；　and　when　my　love　ends；　she　ends　with　it。　She　has　to；　because　she　is　my　love。　Before　then；　there　was　a　blank。　A　vacant　space。　That's　the　way　with　any　love。　It　can't　go　back　before　itself。
　〃And　it's　you　I　love。　The　you　I　made　for　myself。　The　you　I　hold　in　my　arms　right　now　in　this　car。　The　you　I　kiss　like　this；　right　now。　。　。　right　now。　。　。　and　now。
　〃Not　a　name　on　a　birth…certificate。　Not　a　name　on　a　Paris　wedding…license。　Not　a　bunch　of　dead　bones　taken　out　of　a　railroad…car　and　buried　somewhere　by　the　tracks。
　〃The　name　of　my　love　is　Patrice　to　me。　My　love　doesn't　know　any　other　name；　my　love　doesn't　want　any。〃
　He　swept　her　close　to　him；　this　time　with　such　quivering　violence　that　she　was　almost　stunned。　And　as　his　lips　found　hers；　between　each　pledge　he　told　her：
　〃You　are　Patrice。　You'll　always　be　Patrice。　You'll　only　be　Patrice。　I　give　you　that　name。　Keep　it　for　me；　forever。〃
　They　lay　that　way　for　a　long　while；　one　now；　wholly　one。　Made　one　by　love；　made　one　by　blood　and　violence。
　Presently　she　murmured；　〃And　you　knew；　and　you　never…？〃
　〃Not　right　away；　not　all　in　a　flash。　Life　never　goes　that　way。　It　was　a　slow　thing；　gradual。　I　think　I　first　suspected　inside　of　a　week　or　two　after　you　got　here。　I　don't　know　when　I　was　first　sure。　I　think　that　day　I　bought　the　fountain　pen。〃
　〃You　must　have　hated　me　that　day。〃
　〃I　didn't　hate　you　that　day。　I　hated　myself；　for　stooping　to　such　a　trick。　（And　yet　I　couldn't　have　kept　from　doing　it；　I　couldn't　have；　no　matter　how　I　tried！）　And　do　you　know　what　I　got　from　it？　Only　fear。　Instead　of　you　being　the　frightened　one；　I　was。　I　was　afraid　that　you'd　take　fright　from　it；　and　that　I'd　lose　you。　I　knew　I'd　never　be　the　one　to　expose　you；　I　was　too　afraid　I'd　lose　you　that　way。　A　thousand　times　I　wanted　to　tell　you；　'I　know；　I　know　all　about　it；'　and　I　was　afraid　you'd　take　flight　and　I'd　lose　you。　The　secret　wasn't　heavy　on　you；　it　was　me　it　weighted　down。〃
　〃But　in　the　beginning。　How　is　it　you　didn't　say　anything　in　the　very　beginning？　Surely　you　didn't　condone　it　from　the　very　start？〃
　〃No；　no；　I　didn't。　My　first　reaction　was　resentment；　enmity；　about　what　you'd　expect　But　for　one　thing；　I　wasn't　sure　enough。　And　the　lives　of　too　many　others　were　involved。　Mainly　there　was　Mother。　I　couldn't　risk　doing　that　to　her。　Right　after　she'd　lost　Hugh。　For　all　I　knew　it　might　have　killed　her。　And　even　just　to　implant　seeds　of　suspicion；　that　would　have　been　just　as　bad；　that　would　have　wrecked　her　happiness。　Then　too；　I　wanted　to　see　what　the　object　was；　the　game。　I　thought　if　I　gave　you　enough　rope…Well；　I　gave　you　rope　and　rope；　and　there　was　no　game。　You　were　just　you。　Every　day　it　became　a　little　harder　to　be　on　guard　against　you。　Every　day　it　became　a　little　easier　to　look　at　you；　and　think　of　you；　and　like　you。　Then　that　night　of　the　will…〃
　〃You　knew　what　you　did；　and　yet　you　let　them　go　ahead　and…〃
　〃There　was　no　real　danger。　Patrice　Hazzard　was　the　name　they　put　down　in　black　and　white。　If　it　became　necessary；　it　would　have　been　easy　enough　to　break　it；　or　rather　restrict　it　to　its　literal　application；　I　should　say。　Prove　that　you　and　Patrice　Hazzard　were　not　identically　one　and　the　same　and；　therefore；　that　you　were　not　the　one　intended。　The　law　isn't　like　a　man　in　love；　the　law　values　names。　I　pumped　our　lawyer　a　little　on　the　q。t；　without　of　course　letting　on　what　I　had　on　my　mind；　and　what　he　told　me　reassured　me。　But　what　that　incident　did　for　me　once　and　for　all；　was　to　show　me　there　was　no　game；　no　ulterior　motive。　I　mean；　that　it　wasn't　the　money　that　was　at　the　bottom　of　it　Patrice；　the　fright　and　honest　aversion　I　read　on　your　face　that　night；　when　I　came　to　your　door　to　tell　you　about　it；　couldn't　have　been　faked　by　the　most　expert　actress　in　creation。　Your　face　got　as　white　as　a　sheet；　your　eyes　darted　around　as　though　you　wanted　to　run　out　of　the　house　for　dear　life　then　and　there；　I　touched　your　hand；　and　it　was　icy…cold。　There　is　a　point　at　which　acting　stops；　and　the　heart　begins。
　〃And　that　gave　me　the　answer。　I　knew　from　that　night　on　what　it　was　you　really　wanted；　what　it　was　that　had　made　you　do　it：　safety；　security。　It　was　on　your　face　a　hundred　times　a　day；　once　I　had　the　clue。　I've　seen　it　over　and　over。　Every　time　you　looked　at　your　baby。　Every　time　you　said；　'I'm　going　up　to　my　room。'　The　way　you　said　'my　room。'　I've　seen　it　in　your　eyes　even　when　you　were　only　looking　at　a　pair　of　curtains　on　the　window；　straightening　them　out；　caressing　them。　I　could　almost　hear　you　say；　'They're　mine；　I　belong　here。'　And　every　time　I　saw　it；　it　did　something　to　me。　I　loved　you　a　little　more　than　I　had　the　time　before。　And　I　wanted　you　to　have　all　that　rightfully；　permanently；　beyond　the　power　of　anyone　or　anything　to　ever　take　it　away　from　you　again…〃
　He　lowered　his　voice　still　further；　till　she　could　barely　hear　the　message　it　breathed。
　〃At　my　side。　As　my　wife。　And　I　still　do。　Tonight　more　than　ever；　a　hundred　times　more　than　before。　Will　you　answer　me　now？　Will　you　tell　me　if　you'll　let　me？〃
　His　face　swam　fluidly　before　her　upturned　eyes。
　〃Take　me　home；　Bill；〃　she　said　brokenly；　happily。　〃Take　Patrice　home　to　your　house　with　you；　Bill。〃
　
　
　43
　
　For　a　moment；　as　he　braked　and　as　she　turned　her　face　toward　it；　her　overtired　senses　received　a　terrifying　impression　that　it　was　on　fire；　that　the　whole　interior　was　going　up　in　flame。　And　then　as　she　recoiled　against　him；　she　saw　that　bright　as　the　light　ing　from　it　was；　brazier…bright　against　the　early…morning　pall；　it　was　a　steady　brightness；　it　did　not　quiver。　It　poured　from　every　window；　above　and　below；　and　spilled　in　gradations　of　intensity　across　the　lawn；　and　even　as　far　as　the　frontal　walk　and　the　roadway　beyond；　but　it　was　the　static　brightness　of　lighted…up　rooms。　Rooms　lighted　up　in　emergency。

　He　nudged　and　pointed　wordlessly；　and　on　the　rear　plate　of　the　car　already　there；　that　they　had　just　drawn　up　behind；　stood　out　the　ominous　〃MD。〃　Spotlighted；　menacing；　beetling；　within　the　circular　focus　of　their　own　headlights。　Prominent　as　the　skull　and　crossbones　on　a　bottle　label。　And