cw.imarriedadeadman-第21章

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　27
　
　In　the　mornings　the　world　was　bitter　to　look　at　from　the　window。　To　wake　up　in　a　strange　room；　in　a　strange　house。　To　pick　up　your　baby…that　was　the　only　thing　that　was　rightfully　yours…and　edge　toward　the　window　with　him；　creeping　up　slantwise　and　peering　from　the　far　side　of　it；　barely　lifting　the　curtain；　not　stepping　forward　to　the　middle　of　it　and　throwing　the　curtain　widely　back。　That　was　for　people　in　their　own　homes；　not　for　you。　And　out　there；　nothing。　Nothing　that　belonged　to　you　or　was　for　you。　The　hostile　houses　of　a　hostile　town。　An　icy　wash　of　sun　upon　a　stony　ground。　Dark　shadows　like　frowns　under　each　tree　and　leeward　of　each　house。　The　man　watering　the　lawn　didn't　turn　around　to　greet　you　today。　He　was　more　than　a　stranger　now；　he　was　a　potential　enemy。
　She　carried　her　boy　with　her　downstairs；　and　every　step　was　like　a　knell。　She　was　holding　her　eyes　closed　when　she　first　went　into　the　dining…room。　She　couldn't　help　it；　she　couldn't　bring　herself　to　open　them　for　a　moment。
　〃Patrice；　you　don't　look　right　to　me　at　all。　You　ought　to　see　your　color　against　that　child's。〃
　She　opened　her　eyes。
　Nothing　there。
　But　it　would　e。　It　would　e　again。　It　had　came　once；　twice；　it　would　e　again。　Tomorrow　maybe。　The　day　after。　Or　the　day　after　that。　It　would　surely　e　again。　There　was　nothing　to　do　but　wait。　To　sit　there；　stricken；　helpless；　waiting。　It　was　like　holding　your　head　bowed　under　a　leaky　faucet；　waiting　for　the　next　icy　drop　to　detach　itself　and　fall。
　In　the　mornings　the　world　was　bitter；　and　in　the　evenings　it　was　full　of　shadows　creeping　formlessly　about　her；　threatening　from　one　moment　to　the　next　to　close　in　and　engulf　her。
　
　
　28
　
　She　hadn't　slept　well。　That　was　the　first　thing　she　was　conscious　of　on　awakening。　The　cause；　the　reason　for　it；　that　came　right　with　it　That　was　what　really　mattered；　not　the　fact　that　she　hadn't　slept　well；　but　knowing　the　cause；　the　reason　for　it。　Only　too　well。
　It　wasn't　new。　It　was　occurring　all　the　time　lately；　this　not　sleeping　well。　It　was　the　rule　rather　than　the　exception。
　The　strain　was　beginning　to　tell　on　her。　Her　resistance　was　wearing　away。　Her　nerves　were　slowly　being　drawn　taut；　a　little　more　so　each　day。　She　was　nearing　a　danger…point；　she　knew。　She　couldn't　stand　very　much　more　of　it。　It　wasn't　when　they　came；　it　was　in…between；　waiting　for　the　next　one　to　e。　The　longer　it　took　to　e；　the　greater　her　tension；　instead　of　the　less。　It　was　like　that　well…known　simile　of　the　second　dropped　shoe；　prolonged　ad　infinitum。
　She　couldn't　stand　much　more　of　it。　〃If　there's　another　one；〃　she　told　herself；　〃something　will　snap。　Don't　let　there　be　another　one。　Don't。〃
　She　looked　at　herself　in　the　glass。　Not　through　vanity；　conceit；　to　see　whether　damage　had　been　done　her　looks。　To　confirm；　objectively；　the　toll　that　was　being　taken。　Her　face　was　pale　and　worn。　It　was　growing　thinner　again；　losing　its　roundness；　growing　back　toward　that　gauntness　of　cheek　it　had　had　in　New　York。　Her　eyes　were　a　little　too　shadowed　underneath；　and　just　a　little　too　bright。　She　looked　tired　and　frightened。　Not　acutely　so；　but　chronically。　And　that　was　what　was　being　done　to　her　by　this。
　She　dressed　herself；　and　then　Hughie；　and　carried　him　down　with　her。　It　was　so　pleasant　in　the　dining…room；　in　the　early　morning　like　this。　The　new…minted　sun　pouring　in；　the　color　of　champagne；　the　crisp　chintz　curtains；　the　cheery　colored　ware　on　the　table；　the　fragrant　aroma　of　the　coffee…pot；　the　savory　odor　of　fresh…made　toast　seeping　through　the　napkin　thrown　over　it　to　keep　it　warm。　Mother　Hazzard's　flowers　in　the　center　of　the　table；　always　less　than　an　hour　old；　picked　from　her　garden　at　the　back。　Mother　Hazzard　herself；　spruce　and　gay　in　her　printed　morning…dress；　beaming　at　her。　Home。　Peace。
　〃Leave　me　in　peace；〃　she　pleaded　inwardly。　〃Let　me　be。　Let　me　have　all　this。　Let　me　enjoy　it；　as　it's　meant　to　be　enjoyed；　as　it's　waiting　around　to　be　enjoyed。　Don't　take　it　from　me；　let　me　keep　it。〃
　She　went　around　the　table　to　her　and　kissed　her；　and　held　Hughie　out　to　her　to　be　kissed。　Then　she　settled　him　in　his　highchair；　between　the　two　of　them；　and　sat　down　herself。
　Then　she　saw　them；　waiting　for　her。
　The　one　on　top　was　a　department…store　sales　brochure；　sealed　in　an　envelope。　She　could　identify　it　by　the　letterhead　in　the　upper　corner。　But　there　was　something　under　it；　another　one。　Its　corners　stuck　out　a　little　past　the　top　one。
　She　was　afraid　to　bring　it　into　fuller　view；　she　postponed　it。
　She　spooned　Hughie's　cereal　to　his　mouth；　took　alternating　sips　of　her　own　fruit　juice。　It　was　poisoning　the　meal；　it　was　tightening　up　her　nerves。
　It　mightn't　be　one　of　those；　it　might　be　something　else。　Her　hand　moved　with　a　jerk；　and　the　department…store　folder　was　out　of　the　way。
　
　〃MRS。　PATRICE　HAZZARD。〃
　
　It　was　addressed　in　pen　and　ink；　a　personal　letter。　She　never　got　letters　like　that　from　anyone；　who　wrote　to　her；　whom　did　she　know？　It　must　be；　it　was；　one　of　those　again。　She　felt　a　sick；　cold　feeling　in　her　stomach。　She　took　in　everything　about　it；　with　a　sort　of　hypnotic　fascination。　The　three…cent　purple　stamp；　with　wavy　cancellationlines　running　through　it。　Then　the　circular　postmark　itself；　off　to　the　side。　It　had　been　posted　late；　after　twelve　last　night。　Where？　She　wondered。　By　whom？　She　could　see　in　her　mind's　eye　an　indistinct；　furtive　figure　slinking　up　to　a　street　mall…box　in　the　dark；　a　hand　hastily　thrusting　something　into　the　chute；　the　clang　as　the　slot　fell　closed　again。
　She　wanted　to　get　it　out　of　here；　take　it　upstairs　with　her；　close　the　door。　But　if　she　carried　it　away　with　her　unopened；　wouldn't　that　look　secretive；　wouldn't　that　call　undue　attention　to　it？　It　was　safe　enough　to　open　it　here　in　the　very　room；　they　never　pried　in　this　house；　they　never　asked　questions。　She　knew　she　could　even　have　left　it　lying　around　open　after　having　read　it　herself；　and　it　would　have　been　safe；　nobody　would　have　put　a　hand　to　it。
　She　ran　her　knife　through　the　flap；　slit　it。
　Mother　Hazzard　had　taken　over　Hughie's　feeding；　she　had　eyes　for　no　one　but　him。　Every　mouthful　brought　forth　a　paean　of　praise。
　She'd　opened　the　once…folded　inner　sheet　now。　The　flowers　were　in　the　way；　they　screened　the　shaking　of　her　hand。　So　blank　it　was；　so　much　waste　space；　so　little　writing。　Just　a　line　across　the　middle　of　the　paper；　where　the　crease　ran。
　
　〃WHAT　ARE　YOU　DOING　THERE？〃
　
　She　could　feel　her　chest　constricting。　She　tried　to　quell　the　sudden　inordinate　quickness　of　her　breathing；　lest　it　betray　itself。
　Mother　Hazzard　was　showing　Hughie　his　plate。　〃All　gone。　Hughie　ate　it　all　up！　Where　is　it？〃
　She'd　lowered　it　into　her　lap　now。　She　managed　to　get　it　back　into　its　envelope；　and　fold　that　over；　singly　and　then　doubly；　until　it　fitted　into　the　span　of　her　hand。
　〃One　more　and　something　will　snap。〃　And　here　it　was；　the　one　more。
　She　could　feel　her　self…control　ebbing　away；　and　didn't　know　what　catastrophic　form　its　loss　might　take。　〃I've　got　to　get　out　of　this　room；〃　she　warned　herself。　〃I've　got　to　get　away　from　this　table…　now…quickly！〃
　She　stood　up　suddenly；　stumbling　a　little　over　her　chair。　She　turned　and　left　the　table　without　a　word。
　〃Patrice；　aren't　you　going　to　have　your　coffee？〃
　〃I'll　be　right　down；〃　she　said　smotheredly；　from　the　other　side　of　the　doorway。　〃I　forgot　something。〃
　She　got　up　there；　into　her　room；　and　got　the　door　closed。
　It　was　like　the　bursting　of　a　dam。　She　hadn't　known　what　form　it　would　take。　Tears；　she'd　thought；　or　high…pitched　hysterical　laughter。　It　was　neither。　It　was　anger；　a　paroxysm　of　rage；　blinded　and　baffled　and　helpless。
　She　went　over　to　the　wall　and　flailed　with　upraised　fists　against　it；　held　high　over　her　head。　And　then　around　to　the　next　wall　and　the　next　and　the　next；　like　somebody　seeking　an　outlet；　crying　out　distractedly：　〃Who　are　you　yourself？　Where　are　you　sending　them　from？　Why　don't　you　e　out？　Why　don't　you　e　out　in　the　open？　Why　don't　you　e　out　where　I　can　see　you？　Why　don't　you　e　out　and　give　me　a　chance　to　fight　back？〃
　Until　at　last　she'd　stopped；　wilted　and　breathing　fast　with　spent　emotion。　In　its　wake　came　sudden　determination