cwilleford.theburntorangeheresy-第14章

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　　The　persona　of　a　woman　in　love　is　highly　deceiving。
　　Did　she　feign　sentimentality　as　well　as　other　things？　She　cried　real　tears　one　night　when　Timmy　Fraser　sang　〃My　Funny　Valentine〃　at　the　Red　Pirate　Lounge…stretching　out　the　song　in　the　mournful　way　that　he　does　for　fully　ten　minutes。　Any　woman　who　fails　to　recognize　the　inherent　viciousness　of　Lorenz　Hart's　1930s　lyrics　has　a　head　filled　with　cornmeal　stirabout　instead　of　brains。　She　also　mentioned　once　that　she　had　cried　for　two　days　over　Madame　Bovary's　suicide。　Fair　enough。　Flaubert　had　earned　those　tears；　but　she　had　no　insight　into　the　style　of　the　novel；　nor　did　she　analyze　how　Flaubert　had　maneuvered　her　emotionally　into　weeping　over　the　death　of　that　poor；　sick　woman。
　　Knowing　this　much；　and　after　thinking　about　it；　I　realized　that　I　knew　very　little　about　her；　it　was　unreasonable　of　me　to　expect　a　wakeful　interest　from　Berenice　in　Jacques　Debierue。　Berenice　was　a　funny　valentine；　that　is　what　she　was；　and　her　chin　was　a　little　weak；　too。　In　a　vague　abstract　way　I　loved　her。　At　the　same　time；　I　wondered　what　to　do　with　her。　She　had　been　a　sounding　board　to　diminish　some　of　the　excitement　inside　me；　but　now　it　was　two　AM。　and　I　was　going　to　be　busy　today。　Busy；　busy。　Perhaps　if　I　used　her　right；　she　would　be　an　asset。　Wouldn't　it　help　to　have　a　beautiful　woman　in　tow　when　I　called　on　Debierue？　He　would　hardly　slam　the　door　in　the　face　of　a　strikingly　attractive　woman。　A　Frenchman？　Never　。　。　。
　　The　bubble　of　spit　ballooned　suddenly　as　she　exhaled；　and　inaudibly　popped。　Berenice　whimpered　in　her　sleep　and　tried；　wriggling；　to　find　a　more　fortable　position　in　her　chair。　This　was　impossible。　With　her　long　legs　cramped　up　under　her　rear　and　in　a　tight…fitting　canvas　officer's　chaiz　it　was　miraculous　that　she　could　fall　asleep　in　the　first　place。
　　I　stopped　rationalizing；　recognizing　what　I　was　doing…　rationalizing…and　prodded　Berenice's　soft　but　rather　flat　belly　with　a　stiff　forefinger。
　　〃Wake　up；　Audience；〃　I　said；　not　unkindly。
　　〃I　wasn't　asleep；〃　she　lied。　〃I　just　closed　my　eyes　for　a　second　to　rest　them。〃
　　〃I　know。　I　forgot　to　ask；　but　where　have　you　been　the　last　couple　of　days？〃
　　〃Here。〃　Her　eyes　widened。　〃Right　here。〃
　　〃Not　today　you　weren't。〃
　　〃Oh；　you　mean　today？〃
　　〃Yes。　Today。〃
　　〃I　was　at　Gloria's　apartment。　Honestly；　I　got　so　blue　just　sitting　around　here　all　alone　waiting　for　you　to　e　back　that　I　called　her。　She　drove　over　for　me　and　took　me　in。〃
　　〃I　thought　as　much。　Gloria　tried　to　pump　me　on　the　phone　when！　got　back。　I　thought　something　was　odd　about　her　phony　laughter；　but　couldn't　figure　it　out。　If　you　didn't　intend　to　go　back　to　Duluth；　why　did　you　take　your　bags　and　leave　that　weird　note　for　me？〃
　　〃I　tried　to　go；　I　really　did；　but　I　just　couldn't！〃　Her　eyes　moistened。　〃I　want　to　stay　with　you；　James。　。　。　don't　you　want　me　to？〃
　　I　had　to　forestall　her　tears。　Why　can't　women　learn　how　to　say　〃Good…bye〃　like　a　man？
　　〃We'll　see；　baby；　we'll　see。　Let's　go　to　bed　now。　We'll　talk　about　it　in　the　morning；　much　later　this　morning。〃
　　Berenice　rose　obediently；　crossed　her　arms；　and　with　a　sweeping；　graceful　movement　removed　her　shorty　nightgown。　No　longer　sleepy；　she　grinned　wickedly　and　crawled　onto　the　tumbled　Murphy　bed；　shaking　her　tremendous　stern　as　she　did　so。　I　smiled。　She　was　amusing　when　she　tried　to　be　coy　because　she　was　so　big。　I　undressed　slowly　and　crawled　in　beside　her。　The　air…conditioner；　without　enough　BTUs　to　cool　the　apartment　adequately；　labored　away…uh　uh；　uh　uh；　uh　uh。。。　。　As　a　rule　I　could　shut　the　sound　out；　but　now　it　bothered　me。
　　I　was　tense；　slightly　high　from　drinking　four　cups　of　black　coffee；　and　overstimulated　by　my　ability　to　recall；　with　so　little　effort；　the　details　of　Debierue's　career。　Three；　no；　four　days　had　passed　since　the　last　time；　and　yet；　strangely；　I　wasn't　interested　in　sex。　To　make　love　now　would　be　to　initiate　a　new　beginning　to　a　something　I　had　written　〃ending〃　to…perhaps　that　was　the　reason。　That；　or　my　unresolved　feelings　about　Berenice　now　that　I　was　on　the　verge　of　a　future…if　everything　worked　out　all　right…that　held　no　place　for　a　woman　who　was　interested　in　me　as　a　person。　Any　relationship　between　a　man　and　a　woman　that　is　based　upon　bodies　and　personalities　alone　can　lead　only　to　disaster。
　　It　was　a　premonition；　or　some　kind　of　precognitive　instinct　for　self…preservation；　I　should　have　heeded。　But　at　two　in　the　morning；　with　my　mind　still　reeling　with　matters　intellectual；　I　was　physically　unable　to　muster　enough　brute　bellicosity　to　toss　Berenice　and　her　suitcase　down　the　stairs。　She　was　loving；　too　loving。
　　The　inchoate　premonition；　or　whatever　it　was；　of　some　disaster；　froze　my　body　as　well　as　my　mind　into　a　state　of　flaccid　inaction。　Berenice　was　puzzled；　I　know。　When　none　of　her　usual　tricks　worked；　she　climbed　over　me　suddenly；　got　out　of　bed；　and　switched　off　the　floor　lamp。　Except　for　the　tiny　red　light　on　the　electric　coffeepot；　which　was　not　a　red；　baleful　staring　eye；　but　merely　an　effective　reminder　that　the　coffee　was　hot　if　I　was　not；　the　room　was　as　dark　as　my　thoughts。　We　had　never　made　love　in　the　dark　before。　I　didn't　know　about　Berenice；　but　such　a　peculiar　idea　had　never　occurred　to　me　in　my　lifetime。　It　is　too　impersonal　to　make　love　in　the　dark。　Your　partner　could　be　anyone；　anyone　at　all。
　　How　she　knew　this　I　don't　know；　but　the　gimmick　worked。　As　Berenice　whipped　her　head　back　and　forth；　stinging　first　my　chest　and　then　my　stomach　with　her　long　hair；　my　doubts　disappeared。　And　because　this　unseen　woman　became　any　woman；　and　was　no　longer　a　problem　named　Berenice　Hollis；　I　became　rigid　with　the　pain　of　need；　and　mounted　her　savagely。　Savagely　for　me；　because　I　am　usually　methodical　in　sexual　relations；　knowing　what　I　like　and　dislike。　Being　flagellated　with　long　hair　was　a　new　experience　for　me　as　well；　and　I　favored　Berenice　with　the　best　ride　she　had　ever　had。　She　climaxed　as　I　entered；　then　twice；　and　we　made　the　final　one　together。　She　bit　my　shoulder　so　hard　to　keep　from　mewing　（knowing　how　irritated　I　get　when　she　makes　animal　noises）　she　left　the　marks　of　her　teeth　in　my　skin。
　　Euphoric；　my　tenseness　dissipated；　the　thought　of　sending　this　big；　marvelous　woman　back　to　Minnesota　became　intolerable。　She　turned　on　the　floorlamp　and　rummaged　around　in　her　suitcase　for　douching　equipment。
　　〃Hang　up　that　yellow　linen　suit　of　yours；　baby；〃　I　told　her；　〃so　the　wrinkles　will　shake　out。〃
　　〃Why？〃　she　asked；　doing　as　she　was　told。　〃It　isn't　wrinkled。〃
　　〃Because　I　want　you　to　wear　it　tomorrow。　I'm　taking　you　with　me。〃
　　〃Where　are　we　going？　Are　we　going　to　have　fun？〃
　　〃To　call　on　M。　Debierue。〃　I　sighed。　〃I'll　try　to　explain　it　again　tomorrow…in　one…syllable　words。〃　With　the　light　on；　Berenice　Hollis　was　a　problem　again。
　　〃We'll　have　fun；　though；　won't　we？〃
　　〃Sure；〃　I　replied　glumly。　〃Fun；　fun；　fun。〃
　　I　closed　my　eyes　as　she　went　into　the　bathroom。　I　remember　dimly　being　washed　with　a　warm　washrag；　but　I　was　sound　asleep　before　she　finished。
　　
　　
　　
　　
　　　PART　TWO
　　　
　　　IF　ANYTHING　EXISTS；
　　　IT　IS　INPREHENSIBLE
　　
　　
　　1
　　
　　The　apartment　looked　terrible；　as　if　a　small　whirlwind　had　been　turned　loose　for　a　few　minutes；　but　Berenice；　in　her　lemon　linen　suit；　with　its　skimpy　microskirt；　was　beautiful。　At　my　request　she　wore　stockings；　sheer　enough　to　enhance　the　sienna　brown　of　her　deeply　tanned　legs。　The　skirt　was　so　short；　when　she　sat　or　leaned　over；　the　white　metal　snaps　that　held　up　her　stockings　were　exposed　slyly　enough　to　make　her　as　sexy　as　a　Varga　drawing。
　　Instead　of　a　blouse　she　wore　a　filmy　blue…and…red　scarf　around　her　neck。　The　two　loose　ends　of　the　scarf　were　tucked　crosswise　beneath　the　lapels　of　the　square…cut　double…breasted　jacket。　Very　few　women　would　dare　to　wear　such　a　severely　cut　suit；　but　the　square　straight　lines　of　the　jacket　exaggerated　the　roundness　of　Berenice's　lush　figure。　With　the　supplement　of　a　rat　she　had　put　up　her　hair；　and　the　ample　mound　of　tawny　hair；　sun…tinged　with　yellow　streaks；　piled　on　top　of　her　head；　together　with　her　childish　features；　gave　her　an　angelic　expression。
　　There　was；　I　think