tw.theburningman-第6章
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t grows in darkness。 But the truth is that although I saw all these signs； I gave them little attention。 Tellarin； my soldier； had begun to court me … at first only with glances and greetings； later with small gifts … and all else in my life shrank to insignificance by parison。
In fact； so changed was everything that a newer； larger sun might have risen into the sky above the High Keep； warming every corner with its light。 Even the most workaday tasks took fresh meaning because of my feelings for bright…eyed Tellarin。 My catechisms and my reading lessons I now pursued diligently； so that my beloved might not find me lacking in conversation。。。 except on those days when I could scarcely attend to them at all for dreaming about him。 My walks in the castle grounds became excuses to look for him； to hope for a shared glance across a courtyard or down a hallway。 Even the folktales Ulca told me over our stitchery； which before had been only a means to make the time pass pleasantly； now seemed pletely new。 The princes and princesses who fell in love were Tellarin and me。 Their every moment of suffering burned me like fire； their ultimate triumphs thrilled me so deeply that some days I feared I might actually faint。
After a time； Ulca； who guessed but did not know； refused to tell me any tale that had kissing in it。
But I had my own story by then； and I was living it fully。 My own first kiss came as we were walking in the sparse； windy garden that lay in the shadow of the Northmen's tower。 That ugly building was ever after beautiful to me； and even on the coldest of days； if I could see that tower； it would warm me。
'Your stepfather could have my head；' my soldier told me； his cheek touching lightly against mine。 'I have betrayed both his trust and my station。'
'Then if you are a condemned man；' I whispered； 'you may as well steal again。' And I pulled him back farther into the shadows and kissed him until my mouth was sore。 I was alive in a way I had never been； and almost mad with it。 I was hungry for him； for his kisses； his breath； the sound of his voice。
He gifted me with small things that could not be found in Lord Sulis' drab and careful household … flowers； sweetmeats； small baubles he found at the markets in the new town of Erkynchester； outside the castle gates。 I could hardly bring myself to eat the honeyed figs he bought for me； not because they were too rich for his purse； although they were … he was not wealthy like his friend Avalles … but because they were gifts from him； and thus precious。 To do something as destructive as eat them seemed unimaginably wasteful。
'Eat them slowly； then；' he told me。 They will kiss your lips when I cannot。'
I gave myself to him； of course； pletely and utterly。 Ulca's dark hints about soiled women drowning themselves in the Kingslake； about brides sent back to their families in disgrace； even about bastardy as the root of a dozen dreadful wars； were all ignored。 I offered Tellarin my body as well as my heart。 Who would not？ And if I were that young girl once more； ing out of the shadows of her sorrowful childhood into that bright day； I would do it again； with equal joy。 Even now that I see the foolishness； I cannot fault the girl I was。 When you are young and your life stretches so far ahead of you； you are also without patience … you cannot understand that there will be other days； other times； other chances。 God has made us this way。 Who knows why He chose it so？
As for me； I knew nothing in those days but the fever in my blood。
When Tellarin rapped at my door in the dark hours； I brought him to my bed。 When he left me； I wept； but not from shame。 He came to me again and again as autumn turned to winter； and as winter crept past we built a warm； secret world all our own。 I could not imagine a life without him in it every moment。
Again； youth was foolish； for I have now managed to live without him for many years。 There has even been much that was pleasing in my life since 1 lost him； although I would never have been able to believe such a thing then。 But I do not think I have ever again lived as deeply； as truly； as in that first year of reckless discovery。 It was as though I somehow knew that our time together would be short。
Whether it is called fate； or our weird； or the will of Heaven； I can look back now and see how each of us was set on to the track； how we were all made ready to travel in deep； dark places。
It was a night in late Feyever…month of that year when I began to realize that something more than simple distraction had overtaken my stepfather。 I was reeling back down the corridor to my chamber … I had just kissed Tellarin farewell in the great hall； and was mad with the excitement of it … I nearly stumbled into Lord Sulis。 I was first startled； then terrified。 My crime； I felt sure； must be as plain as blood on a white sheet。 I waited trembling for him to denounce me。 Instead he only blinked and held his candle higher。
'Breda？' he said。 'What are you doing； girl？'
He had not called me 'girl' since before my mother died。 His fringe of hair was astrew； as though he had just clambered from some assignation of his own； but if that was so； his stunned gaze suggested it had not been a pleasant one。 His broad shoulders sagged； and he seemed so tired he could barely hold up his head。 The man who had so impressed my mother on that first day in Godric's hall had changed almost beyond recognizing。
My stepfather was wrapped in blankets； but his legs showed naked below the knee。 Could this be the same Sulis； I wondered； who as long as I had known him had dressed each day with the same care as he had once used to set his lines of battle？ The sight of his pale bare feet was unspeakably disturbing。
'I。。。 I was restless and could not sleep； sire。 I wished some air。'
His glance flicked across me and then began to rove the shadows again。 He looked not just confused but actually frightened。 'You should not be out of your chamber。 It is late； and these corridors are full of 。。。' He hesitated； then seemed to stop himself from saying something。 'Full of draughts；' he said at last。 'Full of cold air。 Go on with you； girl。'
Everything about him made me uneasy。 As I backed away； I felt pelled to say； 'Goodnight； sire； and God bless you。'
He shook his head … it almost seemed a shudder … then turned and padded away。 A few days later the witch was brought to the High Keep in chains。
I only learned the woman had been brought to the castle when Tellarin told me。 As we lay curled in my bed after lovemaking； he suddenly announced； 'Lord Sulis has captured a witch。'
I was startled。 Even with my small experience； I knew this was not the general run of pillow talk。 'What do you mean？'
'She is a woman who lives in the Aldheorte forest；' he said； pronouncing the Erkynlandish name with his usual charming clumsiness。 'She es often to the market in a town down the Ymstrecca； east of here。 She is well…known there … she makes herbal cures； 1 think； charms away warts； nonsense such as that。 That is what Avalles said； anyway。'
I remembered the message that the once…whore Xanippa had bade me give my stepfather on the night my mother died。 Despite the warm night； I pulled the blanket up over our damp bodies。 'Why should Lord Sulis want her？' I asked。
Tellarin shook his head； unconcerned。 'Because she is a witch； I suppose； and so she is against God。 Avalles and some of the other soldiers arrested her and brought her in this evening。'
'But there are dozens of root…peddlers and conjure…women in the town on the lakeshore where I grew up； and more living outside the castle walls。 What does he want with her？'
'My lord does not think she is any old harmless conjure…woman；' Tellarin said。 'He has put her in one of the deep cells underneath the throne room； with chains on her arms and legs。'
I had to see； of course； as much out of curiosity as out of worry about what seemed my stepfather's growing madness。
In the morning； while Lord Sulis was still abed； I went down to the cells； t
