tw.theburningman-第5章
按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
t locked in wooden boxes。 The first time I ever saw one go back into its chest； I found the memory returning to me for days afterward。 What sort of books were they； I wondered； that must be kept sealed away？
One of the locked boxes contained his own writings； but I did not find that out for two more years； until the night of Black Fire was almost upon us。
It was in the season after my mother's death； on a day when I found him reading in the grey light that streamed into the throne room； that Lord Sulis truly looked at me for the one and only time I remember。
When I shyly asked what he was doing； he allowed me to examine the book in his lap； a beautiful illuminated history of the prophet Varris with the heron of Honsa Sulis worked in gilt on the binding。 I traced with my finger an illustration of Varris being martyred on the wheel。 'Poor； poor man；' I said。 'How he must have suffered。 And all because he stayed true to his God。 The Lord must have given him sweet wele to Heaven。' The picture of Varris in his agony jumped a little … I had startled my sttepfather into a flinch。 I looked up to find him gazing at me intently； his brown eyes so wide with feelings I could not recognize that for a moment I was terrified that he would strike me。 He lifted his huge； broad hand； but gently。 He touched my hair； then curled the hand into a fist； never once shifting that burning stare from me。 'They have taken everything from me； Breda！' His voice was tight…clenched with a pain I could not begin to understand。 'But I will never bend my back。 Never。'
I held my breath； uncertain and still a little frightened。 A moment later my stepfather recovered himself。 He brought his fist to his mouth and pretended to cough … he was the least able dissembler I have ever known … and then bade me let him finish his reading while the light still held。 To this day I do not know who he believed had taken everything from him … the Imperator and his court in Nabban？ The priests of Mother Church？ Or perhaps even God and His army of angels？
What I do know was that he tried to tell me of what burned inside him； but could not find the words。 What I also know is that at least for that moment； my heart ached for the man。
My Tellarin asked me once； 'How could it be possible that no other man has made you his own？ You are beautiful； and the daughter of a king。'
But as I have said before； Lord Sulis was not my father； nor was he king。 And the evidence of the mirror that had once been my mother's suggested that my soldier overspoke my eliness as well。 Where my mother had been fair and full of light； I was dark。 Where she was long of neck and limb and ample of hip； I was made small； like a young boy。 I have never taken up much space on the earth … nor will I below it； for that matter。 Wherever my grave is made； the digging will not shift much soil。
But Tellarin spoke with the words of love； and love is a kind of spell which banishes all sense。
'How can you care for a rough man like me？' he asked me。 'How can you love a man who can bring you no lands but the farm a soldier's pension can buy？ Who can give your children no title of nobility？'
Because love does not do sums； I should have told him。 Love makes choices； and then gives its all。
Had he seen himself as I first saw him； though； he could have had no questions。
It was an early spring day in my fifteenth year； and the sentries had seen the boats ing across the Kingslake at first light of morning。 These were no ordinary fishing…craft； but barges loaded with more than a dozen men and their warhorses。 Many of the castle folk had gathered to see the travellers e in and to learn their news。
After they had brought all their goods ashore on the lakefront； Tellarin and the rest of the pany mounted and rode up the hill path and in through the main gates。 The gates themselves had only lately been rebuilt … they were crude things of heavy； undressed timbers； but enough to serve in case of war。 My stepfather had reason to be cautious； as the delegation that arrived that day was to prove。
It was actually Tellarin's friend Avalles who was called master of these because Avalles was an equestrian knight； one of the Sulean family nephews； but it was not hard to see which of the two truly held the soldiers' loyalty。 My Tellarin was barely twenty years old on the first day I saw him。 He was not handsome … his face was too long and his nose too impudent to grace one of the angels painted in my stepfather's books … but I thought him quite； quite beautiful。 He had taken off his helmet to feel the morning sun as he rode； and his golden hair streamed in the wind off the lake。 Even my inexperienced eye could see that he was still young for a fighting man； but I could also see that the men who rode with him admired him too。
His eyes found me in the crowd around my father and he smiled as though he recognized me； although we had never seen each other before。 My blood went hot inside me； but I knew so little of the world； I did not recognize the fever of love。
My stepfather embraced Avalles； then allowed Tellarin and the others to kneel before him as each swore his fealty in turn； although I am sure Sulis wanted only to be finished with ceremony so he could return to his books。
The pany had been sent by my stepfather's family council in Nabban。 A letter from the council； carried by Avalles； reported that there had been a resurgence of talk against Sulis in the imperatorial court at Nabban； much of it fanned by the Aedonite priests。 A poor man who held odd； perhaps irreligious beliefs was one thing； the council wrote； but when the same beliefs belonged to a nobleman with money； land； and a famous name； many powerful people would consider him a threat。 In fear for my stepfather's life； his family had thus sent this carefully picked troop and warnings to Sulis to be more cautious than ever。
Despite the pany's grim purpose； news from home was always wele； and many of the new troop had fought beside other members of my stepfather's army。 There were many glad reunions。
When Lord Sulis had at last been allowed to retreat to his reading； but before Ulca could hurry me back indoors； Tellarin asked Avalles if he could be introduced to me。 Avalles himself was a dark； heavy…faced youth with a fledgling beard； only a few years Tellarin's elder； but with so much of the Sulean family's gravity in him that he seemed a sort of foolish old uncle。 He gripped my hand too tightly and mumbled several clumsy pliments about how fair the flowers grew in the north； then introduced me to his friend。 Tellarin did not kiss my hand； but held me far more firmly with just his bright eyes。 He said； 'I will remember this day always； my lady；' then bowed。 Ulca caught my elbow and dragged me away。
Even in the midst of love's fever； which was to spread all through my fifteenth year； I could not help but notice that the changes which had begun in my stepfather when my mother died were growing worse。
Lord Sulis now hardly left his chambers at all； closeting himself with his books and his writings； being drawn out only to attend to the most pressing of affairs。 His only regular conversations were with Father Ganaris； the plain…spoken military chaplain who was the sole priest to have acpanied Lord Sulis out of Nabban。 Sulis had installed his old battlefield rade in the castle's newly…built chapel； and it was one of the few places the master of the High Keep would still go。 His visits did not seem to bring the old chaplain much pleasure； though。 Once I watched them bidding each other farewell； and as Sulis turned and shouldered his way through the wind； heading back across the courtyard to our residence； Ganaris sent a look after him that was grim and sad … the expression； I thought； of a man whose old friend has a mortal illness。
Perhaps if I had tried； I could have done something to help my stepfather。 Perhaps there could have been some other path than the one that led us to the base of the tree that grows in darkness。 But the truth is that although I saw all these signs； I gave them little attent
