lhamilton.thekillingdance-第7章

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　I　didn't　know　what　to　say　because　he　was　right。　My　day　was　more　plete　for　having　been　shared　with　Richard。　I　bought　him　a　mug　that　I　just　happened　to　see　in　a　store。　It　had　wolves　on　it；　and　said；　〃In　God's　wildness　lies　the　hope　of　the　world…the　great　fresh；　unblighted；　unredeemed　wilderness。〃　It　was　a　quote　from　John　Muir。　No　special　occasion；　just　saw　it；　knew　Richard　would　like　it；　bought　it。　A　dozen　times　a　day　I'd　hear　something　on　the　radio　or　in　conversation；　and　I'd　think；　I　must　remember　and　tell　Richard。　It　was　Richard　who　took　me　on　my　first　bird…watching　trip　since　college。
　I　had　a　degree　in　biology；　preternatural　biology。　Once　I'd　thought　I'd　spend　my　life　as　a　field　biologist　like　a　preternatural　version　of　Jane　Goodall。　I'd　enjoyed　the　bird…watching；　partly　because　he　was　with　me；　partly　because　I'd　enjoyed　it　years　ago。　It　was　like　I'd　forgotten　that　there　was　life　outside　of　a　gun　barrel　or　a　grave　side。　I'd　been　neck　deep　in　blood　and　death　so　long；　then　Richard　came　along。　Richard　who　was　also　neck　deep　in　strange　stuff；　but　who　managed　to　have　a　life。
　I　couldn't　think　of　anything　better　than　waking　up　beside　him；　reaching　for　his　body　first　thing　in　the　morning；　knowing　I'd　be　ing　home　to　him。　Listening　to　his　collection　of　Rodgers　and　Hammerstein；　watching　his　face　while　he　watched　Gene　Kelly　musicals。
　I　almost　opened　my　mouth　and　said；　let's　do　it；　let's　get　married；　but　I　didn't。　I　loved　Richard；　I　could　admit　that　to　myself；　but　it　wasn't　enough。　There　was　an　assassin　after　me。　How　could　I　involve　a　mild…mannered　junior　high　teacher　in　that　kind　of　life？　He　was　one　of　the　monsters；　but　he　didn't　accept　it。　He　was　in　a　battle　for　leadership　of　the　local　werewolf　pack。　He'd　beaten　the　current　pack　leader；　Marcus；　twice；　and　twice　refused　the　kill。　If　you　didn't　kill；　you　didn't　get　to　be　leader。　Richard　clung　to　his　morals。　Clung　to　values　that　only　worked　when　people　weren't　trying　to　kill　you。　If　I　married　him；　his　chance　at　any　kind　of　normal　life　was　gone。　I　lived　in　a　sort　of　free…fire　zone。　Richard　deserved　better。
　Jean…Claude　lived　in　the　same　world　that　I　did。　He　had　no　illusions　about　the　kindness　of　strangers；　or　anyone　else　for　that　matter。　The　vampire　wouldn't　he　shocked　at　the　news　of　an　assassin。　He'd　simply　help　me　plan　what　to　do　about　it。　It　wouldn't　throw　him；　or　not　much。　There　were　nights　when　I　thought　that　Jean…Claude　and　I　deserved　each　other。
　Richard　turned　off　onto　Olive。　We　were　soon　going　to　be　at　my　apartment；　and　the　silence　was　getting　a　little　thick。　Silences　don't　usually　bother　me；　but　this　one　did。　〃I'm　sorry；　Richard。　I　am　truly　sorry。〃
　〃If　I　didn't　know　you　loved　me；　this　would　be　easier；〃　he　said。　〃If　it　wasn't　for　that　damned　vampire；　you'd　marry　me。〃
　〃That　damn　vampire　introduced　us；〃　I　said。
　〃And　he's　regretting　it；　don't　think　he　isn't；〃　Richard　said。
　I　looked　at　him。　〃How　do　you　know　that？〃
　He　shook　his　head。　〃All　you　have　to　do　is　see　his　face　when　we're　together。　I　may　not　like　Jean…Claude；　and　I　hate　the　thought　of　you　with　him；　but　we　aren't　the　only　two　hurting　here。　It's　a　threesome；　don't　think　it's　not。〃
　I　huddled　in　my　seat；　suddenly　miserable。　I'd　have　almost　weled　a　hit　man　appearing　out　of　the　darkness。　Killing　I　understood。　Relationships　confused　me。　Admittedly；　this　relationship　was　more　confusing　than　most。
　Richard　turned　into　the　parking　lot　of　my　apartment　building。　He　parked　the　car　and　turned　off　the　engine。　We　sat　there　in　the　dark；　the　only　illumination　the　distant　glow　of　a　street　light。
　〃I　don't　know　what　to　say；　Richard。〃　I　stared　out　through　the　windshield；　concentrating　on　the　side　of　the　building；　too　cowardly　to　look　at　him　while　I　talked。　〃I　wouldn't　blame　you　for　just　saying　to　hell　with　it。　I　wouldn't　put　up　with　this　kind　of　indecision　from　you；　and　I　wouldn't　share　you　with　another　woman。〃　I　finally　looked　at　him。　He　was　staring　straight　ahead；　not　looking　at　me。
　My　heart　sped　up。　If　I　was　truly　as　brave　as　I　thought　I　was；　I'd　have　let　him　go。　But　I　loved　him；　and　I　wasn't　that　brave。　The　best　I　could　do　was　not　sleep　with　him。　Not　take　the　relationship　that　next　step　forward。　That　was　hard　enough。　Even　my　self…control　wasn't　limitless。　If　we'd　been　planning　a　wedding；　I　could　have　waited。　With　an　end　in　sight；　my　self…control　would　have　appeared　endless；　but　there　was　no　end　in　sight。　Chastity　works　better　if　you　don't　keep　testing　it　quite　so　often。
　I　unbuckled　the　seat　belt；　unlocked　and　opened　the　door。　Richard　touched　my　shoulder　before　I　could　get　out。　〃Aren't　you　going　to　invite　me　up？〃
　I　let　out　a　breath　I　hadn't　realized　I　was　holding　and　turned　back　to　him。　〃Do　you　want　to　be　invited　up？〃
　He　nodded。
　〃I　don't　know　why　you　put　up　with　me；〃　I　said。
　He　smiled。　He　leaned　into　me；　a　light　brush　of　lips。　〃Sometimes　I'm　not　sure；　myself。〃
　We　got　out。　Richard　held　his　hand　out　to　me；　and　I　took　it。
　A　car　pulled　in　behind　us；　beside　my　own　Jeep。　It　was　my　neighbor；　Mrs。　Pringle。　She　had　a　huge　television　box　tied　into　her　trunk。
　We　walked　to　the　sidewalk　and　waited　for　her　to　get　out。　She　was　a　tall　woman；　stretched　almost　painfully　thin　with　age。　Her　snow　white　hair　was　done　in　a　bun　at　the　back　of　her　head。　Custard；　her　Pomeranian；　jumped　out　of　the　car　and　stood　yapping　at　us。　He　looked　like　a　golden　powder　puff　with　little　cat　feet。　He　bounced　forward　on　stiff　legs。　He　sniffed　Richard's　foot　and　looked　up　at　him　with　a　small　growl。
　Mrs。　Pringle　tugged　on　his　leash。　〃Custard；　behave　yourself。〃
　The　dog　quieted；　but　I　think　it　was　more　Richard's　steady　glare　than　Mrs。　Pringle's　admonishments。　She　smiled　at　us。　She　had　the　same　light　in　her　eyes　that　Catherine　had　had。　She　liked　Richard　and　made　no　bones　about　it。
　〃Well；　now；　this　is　advantageous。　I　need　some　strong　young　arms　to　carry　that　monstrous　television　up　the　stairs　for　me。〃
　Richard　smiled　at　her。　〃Happy　to　oblige。〃　He　walked　around　to　the　trunk　and　started　trying　to　undo　the　knots。
　〃What'd　you　do　with　Custard　while　you　shopped？〃　I　asked。
　〃I　carried　him　with　me。　I've　spent　a　great　deal　of　money　at　that　store　before。　The　salesmen　fairly　salivate　when　I　e　through　the　doors；　so　they　indulge　me。〃
　I　had　to　smile。　There　was　a　sharp　twang　as　the　ropes　broke。　〃I'll　help　Richard。〃　I　walked　back　to　the　trunk。　The　rope　was　an　inch　thick　and　flopped；　broken；　onto　the　pavement。　I　raised　eyebrows　at　him　and　whispered；　〃My；　my；　Grandma；　what　strong　hands　you　have。〃
　〃I　could　carry　the　television　up　alone；　but　it　might　arouse　suspicions。〃
　It　was　a　thirty…inch　wide　screen。　〃You　could　really　carry　it　up　the　stairs　by　yourself？〃
　〃Easily；〃　he　said。
　I　shook　my　head。　〃But　you're　not　going　to　because　you　are　a　mild…mannered　science　teacher；　not　an　alpha　werewolf。〃
　〃Which　is　why　you　get　to　help　me；〃　he　said。
　〃Are　you　having　trouble　undoing　the　rope？〃　Mrs。　Pringle　asked。　She'd　walked　back　to　us　with　Custard　in　tow。
　〃No；〃　I　said；　giving　Richard　a　look。　〃We've　got　the　rope。〃　If　people　found　out　Richard　was　a　lycanthrope；　he'd　lose　his　job。　It　was　illegal　to　discriminate；　but　it　happened　all　the　time。　Richard　taught　children。　He'd　be　branded　a　monster；　and　most　people　didn't　let　monsters　near　their　children。
　Mrs。　Pringle　and　Custard　led　the　way。　I　went　up　backwards；　sort　of　steadying　the　box；　but　Richard　took　all　the　weight。　He　walked　up　the　stairs　like　the　box　weighed　nothing；　pushing　with　his　legs；　waiting　for　me　to　go　up　another　step。　He　made　a　face　at　me；　soundlessly　humming　under　his　breath　as　if　he　was　bored。　Lycanthropes　are　stronger　than　your　run…of…the…mill　human　being。　I　knew　that；　but　it　was　still　a　little　unsettling　to　be　reminded。
　We　made　it　to　the　hallway；　and　he　let　me　have　some　of　the　weight。　The　thing　was　heavy；　but　I　held　on；　and　we　kept　moving　towards　Mrs。　Pringle's　apartment；　which　was　right　across　the　hall　from　mine。
　〃I've　got　the　door　opened；〃　she　called。
　We　were　at　the　door；　starting　to　maneuver　through；　when　Custard　darted　between　us；　underneath　the　box；　trailing　his　leash。　Mrs。　Pringle　was　trapped　behind　the　television。　〃Custard；　e　back　here。〃
　Richard　lifted　with　his　forearms；　taking　the　weight。　〃Get　him。　I　can　get　inside。〃
　I　let　him　pretend　to　struggle　ins