rh.theassassinsapprentice-第23章

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m　asking　you　to　betray　your　king？　Don't　be　an　idiot。　This　is　just　a　simple　little　test；　my　way　of　measuring　you　and　showing　Shrewd　himself　what　you've　learned；　and　you　balk　at　it。　And　try　to　cover　your　cowardice　by　prattling　about　loyalty。　Boy；　you　shame　me。　I　thought　you　had　more　backbone　than　this；　or　I'd　never　have　begun　teaching　you。〃
　　　　　　　〃Chade！〃　I　began　in　horror。　His　words　had　left　me　reeling。　He　pulled　away　from　me；　and　I　felt　my　small　world　rocking　around　me　as　his　voice　went　on　coldly。
　　　　　　　〃Best　you　get　back　to　your　bed；　little　boy。　Think　exactly　how　you've　insulted　me　tonight。　To　insinuate　I'd　somehow　be　disloyal　to　our　king。　Crawl　down　the　stairs；　you　little　craven。　And　the　next　time　I　summon　you　。。。　Hah；　if　I　summon　you　again；　e　prepared　to　obey　me。　Or　don't　e　at　all。　Now　go。〃
　　　　　　　Never　had　Chade　spoken　to　me　so　before。　I　could　not　recall　that　he　had　even　raised　his　voice　to　me。　I　stared；　almost　without　prehension；　at　the　thin　pock…scarred　arm　that　protruded　from　the　sleeve　of　his　robe；　at　the　long　finger　that　pointed　so　disdainfully　toward　the　door　and　the　stairs。　As　I　rose　I　felt　physically　sick。　I　reeled；　and　had　to　catch　hold　of　a　chair　as　I　passed。　But　I　went；　doing　as　he　told　me；　unable　to　think　of　anything　else　to　do。　Chade；　who　had　bee　the　central　pillar　of　my　world；　who　had　made　me　believe　I　was　something　of　value；　was　taking　it　all　away。　Not　just　his　approval；　but　our　time　together；　my　sense　that　I　was　going　to　be　something　in　my　lifetime。
　　　　　　　I　stumbled　and　staggered　down　the　stairs。　Never　had　they　seemed　so　long　or　so　cold。　The　bottom　door　grated　shut　behind　me；　and　I　was　left　in　total　darkness。　I　groped　my　way　to　my　bed；　but　my　blankets　could　not　warm　me；　nor　did　I　find　any　trace　of　sleep　that　night。　I　tossed　in　agony。　The　worst　part　was　that　I　could　find　no　indecision　in　myself。　I　could　not　do　the　thing　Chade　asked　of　me。　Therefore；　I　would　lose　him。　Without　his　instruction；　I　would　be　of　no　value　to　the　King。　But　that　was　not　the　agony。　The　agony　was　simply　the　loss　of　Chade　from　my　life：　I　could　not　remember　how　I　had　managed　before　when　I　had　been　so　alone。　To　return　to　the　drudgery　of　living　day　to　day；　going　from　task　to　task　seemed　impossible。
　　　　　　　I　tried　desperately　to　think　of　something　to　do。　But　there　seemed　no　answer。　I　could　go　to　Shrewd　himself；　show　my　pin　and　be　admitted；　and　tell　him　of　my　dilemma。　But　what　would　he　say？　Would　he　see　me　as　a　silly　little　boy？　Would　he　say　I　should　have　obeyed　Chade？　Worse；　would　he　say　I　was　right　to　disobey　Chade　and　be　angry　with　Chade？　These　were　very　difficult　questions　for　a　boy's　mind；　and　I　found　no　answers　that　helped　me。
　　　　　　　When　morning　finally　came；　I　dragged　myself　from　my　bed　and　reported　to　Burrich　as　usual。　I　went　about　my　tasks　in　a　gray　listlessness　that　first　brought　me　scoldings　and　then　an　inquiry　as　to　the　state　of　my　belly。　I　told　him　simply　that　I　had　not　slept　well；　and　he　let　me　off　without　the　threatened　tonic。　I　did　no　better　at　weapons。　My　state　of　distraction　was　such　that　I　let　a　much　younger　boy　deliver　a　stout　clout　to　my　skull。　Hod　scolded　us　both　for　recklessness　and　told　me　to　sit　down　for　a　bit。
　　　　　　　My　head　was　pounding　and　my　legs　were　shaky　when　I　returned　to　the　keep。　I　went　to　my　room；　for　I　had　no　stomach　for　the　noon　meal　or　the　loud　conversations　that　went　with　it。　I　lay　on　my　bed；　intending　to　close　my　eyes　for　just　a　moment；　but　fell　into　a　deep　sleep。　I　awoke　halfway　through　the　afternoon　and　thought　of　the　scoldings　I　would　face　for　missing　my　afternoon　lessons。　But　it　wasn't　enough　to　rouse　me　and　I　dropped　off；　only　to　be　awakened　at　suppertime　by　a　serving　girl　who　had　e　to　inquire　after　me　at　Burrich's　behest。　I　staved　her　off　by　telling　her　I　had　a　sour　gut　and　was　going　to　fast　until　it　cleared。　After　she　left；　I　drowsed　but　did　not　sleep。　I　couldn't。　Night　deepened　in　my　unlit　room；　and　I　heard　the　rest　of　the　keep　go　off　to　rest。　In　darkness　and　stillness；　I　lay　waiting　for　a　summons　I　would　not　dare　answer。　What　if　the　door　opened？　I　could　not　go　to　Chade；　for　I　could　not　obey　him。　Which　would　be　worse：　if　he　did　not　summon　me；　or　if　he　opened　the　door　for　me　and　I　dared　not　go？　I　tormented　myself　from　rock　to　stone；　and　in　the　gray　creeping　of　morning　I　had　the　answer。　He　hadn't　even　bothered　to　call　for　me。
　　　　　　　Even　now；　I　do　not　like　to　recall　the　next　few　days。　I　hunched　through　them；　so　sick　at　heart　that　I　could　not　properly　eat　or　rest。　I　could　not　focus　my　mind　on　any　task　and　took　the　rebukes　that　my　teachers　gave　me　with　bleak　acceptance。　I　acquired　a　headache　that　never　ceased；　and　my　stomach　stayed　so　clenched　on　itself　that　food　held　no　interest　for　me。　The　very　thought　of　eating　made　me　weary。　Burrich　put　up　with　it　for　two　days　before　he　cornered　me　and　forced　down　me　both　a　worming　draft　and　a　blood　tonic。　The　bination　made　me　vomit　up　what　little　I'd　eaten　that　day。　He　made　me　wash　out　my　mouth　with　plum　wine　afterward；　and　to　this　day　I　cannot　drink　plum　wine　without　gagging。　Then；　to　my　weary　amazement；　he　dragged　me　up　the　stairs　to　his　loft　and　gruffly　ordered　me　to　rest　there　for　the　day。　When　evening　came；　he　chivied　me　up　to　the　keep；　and　under　his　watchful　eye　I　was　forced　to　consume　a　watery　bowl　of　soup　and　a　hunk　of　bread。　He　would　have　taken　me　back　to　his　loft　again　had　I　not　insisted　that　I　wanted　my　own　bed。　In　reality；　I　had　to　be　in　my　room。　I　had　to　know　whether　Chade　at　least　tried　to　call　me；　whether　I　could　go　or　not。　Through　another　sleepness　night；　I　stared　in　blackness　at　a　darker　corner　of　my　room。
　　　　　　　But　he　didn't　summon　me。
　　　　　　　Morning　grayed　my　window。　I　rolled　over　and　kept　to　my　bed。　The　depth　of　bleakness　that　settled　over　me　was　too　solid　for　me　to　fight。　All　of　my　possible　choices　led　to　gray　ends。　I　could　not　face　the　futility　of　getting　out　of　bed。　A　headachy　sort　of　near　sleep　claimed　me。　Any　sound　seemed　too　loud；　and　I　was　either　too　hot　or　too　cold　no　matter　how　I　fussed　my　covers。　I　closed　my　eyes；　but　even　my　dreams　were　bright　and　annoying。　Arguing　voices；　as　loud　as　if　they　were　in　the　bed　with　me；　and　all　the　more　frustrating　because　it　sounded　like　one　man　arguing　with　himself　and　taking　both　sides。　〃Break　him　like　you　broke　the　other　one！〃　he'd　mutter　angrily。　〃You　and　your　stupid　tests！〃　and　then：　〃Can't　be　too　careful。　Can't　put　your　trust　in　just　anyone。　Blood　will　tell。　Test　his　mettle；　that's　all。〃　〃Metal！　You　want　a　brainless　blade；　go　hammer　it　out　yourself。　Beat　it　flat。〃　And　more　quietly：　〃I've　got　no　heart　for　this。　I'll　not　be　used　again。　If　you　wanted　to　test　my　temper；　you've　done　it。〃　Then：　〃Don't　talk　to　me　about　blood　and　family。　Remember　who　I　am　to　you！　It　isn't　his　loyalty　he's　worrying　about；　or　mine。〃
　　　　　　　The　angry　voices　broke　up；　merged；　became　another　argument；　this　one　shriller。　I　cracked　open　my　eyelids。　My　chamber　had　bee　the　scene　of　a　brief　battle。　I　woke　to　a　spirited　argument　between　Burrich　and　Mistress　Hasty　as　to　whose　jurisdiction　I　fell　under。　She　had　a　wicker　basket；　from　which　protruded　the　necks　of　several　bottles。　The　scents　of　mustard　in　a　plaster　and　chamomile　wafted　over　me　so　strongly　that　I　wanted　to　retch。　Burrich　stood　stoically　between　her　and　my　bed。　His　arms　were　crossed　on　his　chest　and　Vixen　sat　at　his　feet。　Mistress　Hasty's　words　rattled　in　my　head　like　pebbles。　〃In　the　keep〃；　〃those　clean　linens〃；　〃know　about　boys〃；　〃that　smelly　dog。〃　I　don't　recall　that　Burrich　said　a　word。　He　just　stood　there　so　solidly　that　I　could　feel　him　with　my　eyes　closed。
　　　　　　　Later　he　was　gone；　but　Vixen　was　on　the　bed；　not　at　my　feet；　but　beside　me；　panting　heavily　but　refusing　to　abandon　me　for　the　cooler　floor。　I　opened　my　eyes　again；　still　later；　to　early　twilight。　Burrich　had　tugged　free　my　pillow；　shook　it　a　bit；　and　was　awkwardly　stuffing　it　back　under　my　head；　cool　side　up。　He　then　sat　down　heavily　on　the　bed。
　　　　　　　He　cleared　his　throat。　〃Fitz；　there's　nothing　the　matter　with　you　that　I've　ever　seen　before。　At　least；　whatever's　the　matter　with　you　isn't　in　your　guts　or　your　blood。　If　you　were　a　bit　older；　I'd　suspect　you　had　woman　problems。　You　act　like　a　soldier　on　a　three…day　drunk；　but　without　the　wine。　Boy；　what's　the　matter　with　you？〃
　　　　　　　He　look